User:ShelbyMaireH8rXD



What was going on there, huh? We thought you were sleeping, Daddy. How can I sleep with two Twinkie burglars roaming around? Can we watch Dragon Tales, please? Yeah. Why not, why not? Which one of these turns on the TV? Honey, I think you just opened the garage. I'm just planning ahead. I know. - P-yew! Was that a stinky-dink bug? - Good job. Whatever happened to the good old days... ...when you pulled the knob and on came the boob tube? The O'Doyles got a universal remote control. One clicker controls everything. Makes life a lot easier for old people like you. Well, whoop-de-do for the O'Doyles. - Tree house? I don't know. Ask your father. Ask me what? Do you think you'll have time to finish building the tree house ever? Yeah, Dad. It's kind of been halfway done for two months now. All right. I want to, it's just I got a lot of things going on at work right now. But as soon as I'm done, I'm on it. I promise. Hang in there. Hey, look at Sundance wrestle his duck. Oh, no, that's not wrestling. That's something you shouldn't know about for another 10 to 30 years. Ten for you. Thirty for you. Hey, Michael? I'll see you tonight at the swim meet? Swim meet. - I gotta go to that? - Yes. - I'm kidding you. I'll be there. Okay? - All right. I love you, Michael. Forever and ever, babe. Mr. Newman. Kevin O'Doyle. Yeah. Always a pleasure. What kind of stereo you got in that blue piece of♥♥♥♥♥♥ You know what? I never checked, Kevin. Yeah, well, my father's stereo is a Bose. Your father's stereo blows? That's too bad. No! I said... That's not what I said! His father's stereo blows! Come on! Pay the man, let's go! - Good morning, Mr. Newman. - Good morning. - Good morning, Mr. Newman. - Hello. - Good morning, Mr. Newman. - Hi. Good morning, Mr. Newman. - Good morning, Mr. Newman. - Man, Alice... ...I was stuck in traffic for an hour and a half. When's the meeting? - It started already. - What? Can I go to the bathroom? Go to the bathroom. I told you, you don't have to ask me. Well, the interesting thing, Prince Habeeboo... ...is that the building codes in Manhattan will allow us... - Michael. - Sorry I'm late, sir. Some moron in a red Lamborghini parked in my spot so... Prince Habeeboo drive red Lamborghini. Red Lamborghini? I meant blue Ferrari. Is this one of your partners? Actually, Michael is just an associate. But he is one of our brightest young architects. Thank you. Walk His Majesty through our design concept. With pleasure. - Prince Haboobee... - Habeeboo! Prince Habeeboo. Habeeboo. I thought I said that. When Mr. Ammer explained to me the type of man you are... ...a visionary who prides himself on originality... ...I said to myself, " Let's smash the mould and redefine elegance." So I present to you your restaurant. Where is...? Where's bar? Bar is... Here's the bar. Now, the waterfall... Make bar longer. Okay. We could cut into the atrium a little bit. No atrium. Just make bar longer for Prince Habeeboo. Really? - Still itchy? - You got it. And put big drain in floor for wet T-shirt contest. Now, you're kidding me, right? Boob water's gotta go someplace, Michael. Let's just take out the atrium and run with that and there's your drain. - God. - I love it. It is simply awesome. Yeah. Basically you want me to design you an Arabian hoochie house? How dare you compare Prince Habeeboo's Bikini Hut... ...to this hoochie house? - This idea's... ...got nothing to do with hoochies, Michael. It's like opposite of hoochie. No disrespect, Prince Hubbida Hubbida. - Hubba Bubba. - Habeeboo! Habeeboo! Hubba Bubba is chewing gum. Prince Habeeboo's not chewing gum. Prince Habeeboo, we will... I will make this happen. John Ammer's office. I hope that atrium idea didn't take too long to configure, Michael. Oh, there'll be other Junes in my life, sir. See that parking garage over there on 56? Watsuhita wants to knock it down and build a luxury hotel. - You got the commission? - Not yet. I just need someone to come up with a design proposal. Intrigued? Hell, yes. I'm Fourth of July-ing with the kids. When I get back, I'm all over it. Great. Have a great Fourth of July with the kids. I'll put Swardson on it. No, no. Absolutely not. L... l... Can't it just wait three days? These guys are Japanese. They can't wait for their fish to cook. I guess I could talk to my wife. Great. See you later at happy hour with Prince Habadabee. My son has a swim meet tonight that I have to get to s... I'm just messing with you. We're good. Yeah, Ben! That's my boy! That's my boy! Kid, you were great! You're not my dad. - As far as you know. - What? I was just joking. Is he really my dad? Come on, come on! Yes, Ben. Yes, you did it! Honey, you were so great. Whoa, what are you, half a dolphin or something? That was incredible. You just got here, Dad. I saw you. What do you mean I just got here? Why are you saying that? I saw you. You jumped in there, you swam here. - Then what stroke was he doing, Dad? - He was doing the shut-up. Hey. Good thing is, Daddy was here to see you finish. He didn't see me finish. He was hanging out with Ping Woo for some reason. - Yeah, what was that about, huh? - The kid was drowning. I'm gonna let him drown? Nobody goes drowning in my pool. How you doing? Bill Herlihy. Ben's coach. You must be Dad. Michael Speedo... Michael Newman. Sorry. Big Ben, that was great progress out there, huh? Just remember, right arm out, head turns left. Left arm out... Head turns right. I know. I just forgot at the end. Well, that's all right. You master that, people are gonna think you're half a dolphin out there. - Really? - Yeah. Cute. Hello? Mr. Ammer. Ben, honey, slow down. It's not a race. That's his second one in five minutes. Keeps eating more and more. He's like a machine. He can't still be hungry. He's not. He's just doing whatever Michael's doing. It's driving me crazy. Everything Michael's been doing lately is very unhealthy for him. He's gonna kill himself. Like a signature building we're talking about. Oh, my God. Scared the crap out of me. Dad, how much longer are you gonna live? - One minute. - One minute? - Daddy's gonna die in one minute! - Oh, no, honey. Don't worry. I'm not dying. I'm gonna live for 200 years. Is that long enough for you and me? - Promise? - I promise. Swear. Come here. You son of a ♥♥♥♥♥! Hey! There are families here! Show some respect, you pieces of♥♥♥♥♥♥ Go home and watch VH1, old man. Don't light another damn one! Benjamin. Benjamin. What am I holding? A quarter. Now, Grandma does not let me eat ice cream... ...because of my diabetes. - True. But she says nothing, however, about a tasty quarter. Okay. All right. All right. Very quickly, please, count to three because it tastes terrible. One, two, three. Are you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ me? First he's eating like his father, now you're talking like him? - Ben. - Don't you ever say that again. - Sorry, Grandma. - How do you do that, Grandpa? A good magician never reveals his secrets. Your daddy has wanted to know how I've done that trick... ...since he was your age. Isn't that true, son? Hey, Michael. Michael, who are you talking to? Jesus. I'm talking to my boss, Ma. Take it easy. Oh, yeah? Well, tell him to get a life. You got family here. You're busy. Come on. My mother says hello. Oh, he's such a big boy, isn't he? On his big cell phone. Big boy. That's it. Get some sleep. Thank you, Mr. Ammer. All right. Good night. - Are you done? Can we relax now? - Sorry. Eat me, grandpa! You're dead. - Oh,♥♥♥♥♥♥ - Yeah, you better run! I kicked your father's♥♥♥♥♥br>in high school! Now I'm gonna kick yours! I hate that man. Okay, good night, you two cowboys. - Reach for the sky, Pocahontas. - No, back to bed.

Script Part 2

Come on. Pocahontas is off duty. I'm out of here. You getting sick, sheriff? I don't got time to be sick, so no. I need to watch this documentary on Asian architecture. Well, you gotta get some rest sometime, sweetheart. Besides, the woodland creatures will laugh at you... ...if you collapse trying to put up the tent this weekend. Yeah. I forgot to tell you. We gotta postpone the camping trip. Ammer put me on a project. It's due Tuesday. If I don't finish, I'm off it, so... The kids have been talking about camping all year. Think I don't know that? It's just every choice I make, everything I do... ...I disappoint somebody. Make sure you don't keep disappointing the wrong people. I'm not out drinking or gambling or hitting on chicks. I'm working my♥♥♥♥♥off so my family can have a better life... ...than I dreamed of when I was a kid. The only way for that to happen is for me to watch this stinking show! So relax, hon. Are you kidding me? Will you give me a break one time? Damn it! The O'Doyles got a stinking universal remote control. We're gonna have one too. I'm sick of this. You want me to open the garage for you? Closed. Closed. Open. Bed Bath & Beyond it is. Hey, man? You guys got any universal remote controls in there? - For a shower curtain or a bathmat? - For a television. I don't think so. Maybe for a blanket? You got a remote for a blanket? Sorry, I don't work here. I'm waiting for my friends. You're kidding me. Actually, yes. I don't have any friends. Will you be my friend? Wow, man. Bed. Bed. Bath. Bath. Bed. So tired of my life. Beyond? Sorry to sneak up on you. I just... You guys got a universal remote control back here? Something stinks like stale french fries. All right, that's probably me. You know, fast food shortens your life. Yeah, that's what I heard. But the way my life's been going lately, that ain't such a bad thing. You're looking for a universal remote control? Yeah. Just one device to do it all for me... ...make my life a little easier, quicker, not so damn complicated. I'm not supposed to do this, but you seem like a good guy. Hey. Somebody noticed. Thank you. I'm gonna show you a remote we just got in... ...that's probably the most advanced piece of technology... ...we have in this place. - Sounds sweet. - It is sweet. The latest, greatest universal remote not even on the market yet. I guess the O'Doyles' remote can bite my advanced-technological♥♥♥♥♥then. I don't know the O'Doyles... ...but they can bite it hard. Yeah. Come in the back with me. Okay. This is... This is very nice of you. - What's your name, anyways? - Call me Morty. Morty, I'm Michael Newman. Michael Newman. I'm about to rock your world. Okay. I gotta be honest with you. This place looks bigger from the outside. Just kidding. Hey, hey. I think maybe there in the middle? Sneaky. Where's the box? Does it come with directions? Not necessary. Just point, click. Eventually, it will program itself. How much is this thing? Because I ain't exactly Thurston Howell, you know? Lucky for you, it's not in the bar-code system yet. So I'm gonna have to just give it to you. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the catch here, man? Want me to take my shirt off for you? Because I don't play for that team. Hey. Man, get out of here. Why are you doing this, then? Because good guys need a break every once in a while. Take it. Enjoy. All right. Only one thing you need to know, Michael. This item is nonreturnable. Why would I wanna return something I got for free? Twinkie. You don't need it. You don't need it, man. You do need a Yodel, though. Okay. Good job. Let's see what you got, mate. Look at me, turning my own TV on. I'm a freaking whiz kid. - Residential architecture... - So I talked to the kids. - Oh, yeah? They're very understanding about not going camping this weekend. - Great. - They could have a sleepover instead. That's a great idea. Thank you, thank you. Thanks for being so cool about this too. - Can I ask you something? - Yes. After you do all this work and become a big player at your company... ...do you think you're gonna have more time for us... ...or are things just gonna get even more out of control? Wait. When I get to that place and become a boss... ...a millionaire, a big shot, the first thing I'm gonna do... ...is hire a bunch of idiots just like me to do all my work. So then you, me and the kids can do whatever the hell we want. You just gotta give me some time. Don't give me that look. I'm just saying, give me some support. All right? I love you. Go to sleep. - Just think about it, Michael. - Absolutely. And stop with the Yodels. - You're gonna wake up 400 pounds. - Okay. Hey, hey, hey. Keep it down, dude. Everybody's sleeping. You gotta poop again? Why don't you do the humpy-pumpy on the duck, okay? Will you just hold it in for five minutes and keep the freaking volume down? I guess when you combine... ...mass quantities of cough syrup with Yodels... ...you get acid. Go. Hey, you said you gotta go. Go already, man. Sniffy Longdroppings, today. Holy motherfu...! Yeah, I mean, you're right. In the short run... ...plastic surgery is a hassle. But six months later... ...l'm gonna have a face and a body... ...that's gonna get me to places where I wanna be. Oh, my mother, typical, you know, she says: "Oh, this procedure is too risky." If Samantha wanted her cheekbones shaved down, I think I'd freak out too. I know, but I just think, you know, they're too Slavic. You should get some work done. Then maybe Michael will wanna hang out with you too. Morning, Michael. You're looking very crappy today. Morning, Janine, you're looking very Slavic. You're just jealous because Donna and I are going to the gym... ...and all the guys are gonna be hitting on us. Michael knows he's my one and only. Forever and ever, babe. Sorry about last night. And I love you. I'm s... Oh, my God. I want that so bad. A husband that I can kiss and love and give juice to. You've already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers. I think you've given enough juice to everybody. Love juice. You know way too much about me. I should never have done that Montel Williams show. Even Montel Williams thinks you're crazy... ...and he's seen a lot of♥♥♥♥♥♥ I was desperate for companionship! All of my husbands... All of them have emotionally abandoned me. They went to work. You had sex with their unemployed brothers. - You're a horndog. - Michael. - Okay, sweetie. Calm it down. - No, no! I have had self-esteem issues since I was a kid. I had a rabbit named Pepper. And that rabbit abandoned me too! Even the rabbit did! Even the rabb... Don't look at me! - What's wrong with me? - Bunny rabbit, bunny... Here's the pitch to Matsui. A deep drive. Oh, my, it's out of here! A two-run shot into the right-field seats for Hideki Matsui. I'm sorry. What was that? She has so many problems. Why do you have to be so mean? I don't know, l... Hello. I gotta go. Yeah, good RoboDog. And he can bark in over six different languages. It's so cool. Yeah, it's much cooler than your stupid, human dog. Hey, Dad, see Kevin's new robot dog? Yeah, yeah. Very nice. "Very nice"? This thing is worth more than your car. - Not anymore it ain't. - RoboDog! Hey, hey, hey. Okay. Is this some sort of reality show? Are you the host? Morty? Where are the cameras? Got everybody in on it, huh? Sundance did very well also. All right, America! Have your laugh! I'm an idiot! Donna, I'm gonna get you! Fast-forward. Nobody's laughing at you, Michael. You wanted a universal remote control that remote-controls your universe. Yeah, but what controls my dance skills? Oh, Morty likes it too. Michael, just hit menu. On the remote? No, the menu at the Red Lobster. Yes, on the remote. Where are we? - Go, Michael, go! - One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. - What have I got here? - Two, three. Cough syrup's kicking in again. - We have a boy! - Is it gonna work? What is this? - All right, I love you, Michael. - Your life menu. My life has a commentary?

Script Part 3

It's chock-full of goodies. - Click it. - Click it. This is last Tuesday. Michael was eagerly awaiting the arrival of his lunch order. Who's that, James Earl Jones? James Earl does a lot of voice-over work. But his anticipation quickly turned to dismay... ... as he realized Alice had brought him a cheeseburger... ... instead of a hamburger as he requested. A cheeseburger? I said a hamburger. She always does this to me. Michael considered demanding that Alice scrape the cheese off... ... but decided not to, fearing that Alice may spit in... ... or otherwise defile the burger in some manner. A wise decision... ... for that was exactly what Alice was planning to do. - Are you kidding me? - Sneaky. My God. What else we got here? - "Making of"? - Just click. Hey, hey, psychedelic. Where are we? Is this a porno or something? Oh, Ted. Oh, Teddy! Is that my parents? They're making you. Like bunny rabbits. - That's the spot. - Smack my heinie! Change the channel! How do you do this? I can't see. What happened? What...? The floor is so mushy and slippery. Feels good on my feet. Check it out. You hit the fast-forward button. I believe we're sometime after your conception. Okay, very good, Mrs. Newman. No! We're in my mother's ♥♥♥♥♥♥? Again. And push. - It's a girl. - It's a girl! - Oh, it's a girl. Thank you so much. - Thank you for that. Wait a minute. I'm sorry, it might be a boy. What do you mean, "might be"? What is that? Maybe that's a♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Maybe that's a pe...? That's a♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ That's my♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Can I see that? Can you bring that a little closer? See? - That's a tiny schmeckel. - Yeah? - We have a boy! - We have a boy! Your mother must have some superpower eyesight... ...because I didn't see anything. Let's get out of here. So if you think about it... ...I can reexperience any part of my life I want to. It's amazing. What happened? Oh, God, what did I do? Hello? How do I get you back here, pal? Gotcha. I'm not freaked out enough? It's simple. Think of a time and a place... ...hit rewind, and you're there. Time and a place. Time and a place. Oh, my God. Lake Winnipesaukee. That's me in the Jets shirt. Go, little me, go! Good hands! Nice hands. Michael! Michael, dinner's almost ready. Invite your friends if you want to. So any of you wanna come by my tent for some supper? Or we could eat at my Winnebago and watch Three's Company. Three's Company. That's humiliating. Mom, why can't we camp in an RV like every other family? Oh, come on. You call that camping? How can you get close to nature in a tin can like that? Plus, it's more fun to have to keep each other warm at night. Don't you know it. - No cupcakes yet. - But I'm starving. I agree with you, Michael. You know how hungry I am? I am so hungry, I could eat this. Oh, this is where the quarter trick started. How the heck did he do that? Oh, it's a trick coin you buy at a magic shop. I just couldn't let him know I knew that. That's sweet. Now, I gotta get back to work, so hit play. It's a very powerful device. Use it with caution. Okay. Who are you? You know who I am. Morty? If you have any questions... ...call me. No, Linda, I think Stacy gets the most-beautiful-feet award. You wanted to see me? Michael. Look, I'm heading out to the Hamptons in a couple of minutes. I'm counting on you. This hotel project? It's a big fish. You reel it in for me and it's "Howdy, partner." Okay. Thank you. Screw it up, though, and it's "Back to the mailroom, atrium boy." Mr. Ammer, Denise just called. She's gotta go to rehab again, so she can't mak e it to the Hamptons. I'm gonna be alone on the Fourth of July? Mr. Ammer, if you need female companionship this weekend... ...my wife's friend Janine, wow. Really? What's she like? Let's just say she will eat you up, sir. Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt... ...but this is kind of important. - Okay. - Go to the bathroom. - Okay. Dude! You suck so bad. Do not. Hey, Dad. How you doing, buddy? Playing some catch? Actually, we're playing some drop, because Ben hasn't caught one yet. Darn it. You're a regular Derek Jeter yourself, O'Doyle. - Love you, kid. - Love you too, Dad. Mommy! No, I know. Well, I thought she should've gotten voted off. But did you see her Kate Spade handbag? It was gorgeous. Wait, hold on a second, Trudy. I gotta say hi to your son. - I told your parents to come for dinner. - Really? That sounds good. It'd be fun for them to be here for the sleepover. Okay, so great. Yeah. We'll see you guys later. Okay, bye-bye. It's not gonna kill you to eat dinner with your family, sweetie. I know, I just gotta build an entire model tonight. - I'm the leader! - No, I'm the leader! Go say hi to Daddy. Go on. I can't take a whole night of this. - And I'm not going to. - Q, R, S, T, U... Cool. I can skip chapters. What a family. All right, let's get dinner over with. Next. Next. Everyone's done but you, buddy. Let's go. Will you stop already? Oh, boy, Dad's quarter trick. I can't wait not to see it. Alone in my basement at last. Should I do my work and become partner now? I think so. Let's get to it. - Michael? - Yo. We don't wanna interrupt. We're taking off. Thanks for a great night. You had a fun time hanging out with me? That was... We did good, right? - Good night, honey. - Love you. My schmeckel got bigger now that I'm older, just so you guys know that. It couldn't have gotten any smaller. Yeah, yeah. It looked like a little Tic Tac. Yeah, come here, I'll freshen your breath. - Bye, you guys. - Bye, sweetie. Good night, sweetie. Great dinner, honey. See? Was that so bad? Kidding me? I had fun. Good for you. Can you watch the gang for 10 minutes while I clean up? Can't you? I just... I got so much stuff to do here. Oh, you got stuff to do? I got ghost stories, charades, the dishes... ...and then I gotta sew the duck's head back on for Sundance... ...and fix his ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Way to go, champ. I wish I had time to do all that stuff. Give me a break, Michael. You're a big boy. You set your own priorities. I'm asking for 10 minutes, not for, like, a whole day. You don't have to do that much. How big a deal is that? I am so tired of having this argument. I skipped the whole fight. Babe? - I can't sleep. - You can't? I feel bad that we keep arguing. I know. Don't be upset, okay? - I was a jerk. - You are a jerk. - I love you. - I love you too. - Yes. That smells good. - What? Michael. Stop it. The sleepover will catch us. They ain't gonna hear us. Come on. Okay. Quietly try and coax me into it. I gotta get back to work. Can't we just do it? No, we can't just do it. Honey, come on. I mean, I don't have any new moves for you. It's the same stuff. Just think of last time and use that. I like the old moves. Come on. All right. This time you be Sundance, I'll be the duck. - Yeah? - But you gotta massage me first. Great, I love giving massages. Massaging away here. Oh, that feels good. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - We did it? - Well, you did. I didn't want the whole thing to go that fast. I don't think anybody did. Yeah. I'll get you next time. Thanks. So we good for tomorrow? What are you talking about? At dinner. You said we'd go to lunch tomorrow and pick out your dad's birthday gift. Dad's gift is... - Of course. I said so, so I'll be there. - Okay. - Need another massage or anything? - Oh, go away. I gotta go work. Hey, Morty. It's Michael Newman. Yeah, can I talk to you for a minute? Hang on for a second, someone's at my door. - Hello, Michael. - Where'd you come from? You don't wanna know. - Can we take a walk? - Sure. It's simple. You must have been on autopilot. Autopilot? That's what happens to you when you fast-forward. - Okay. - Yeah. I'll show you. Here. See? That's you on autopilot. The lights are on but nobody's home. The remote lets your mind skip around... ...but your body actually stays put for the boring stuff. We should go to lunch tomorrow and pick out your dad's birthday gift. Sounds good. So she did tell me. I'm having conversations on autopilot, then.

Script Part 4

You're not gonna be the life of the party, but yes. Everyone goes on autopilot now and then. The big difference is now you've got a nifty remote... ...to help you decide when. This thing is the best. By the way, your wife? Absolutely gorgeous. - She is, isn't she? - Perfect face. Tight, rocking body. You okay? - Amazing. - What is? She fell for a schlub like you. I'm a schlub? I don't know about that, pal. I see a good-looking man right there. You wanna see what a stud I used to be? Yeah? All right, let's take a look at some of the girls... ...I used to fool around with before I met Donna. Is that a man or a woman? It's a woman. What is this, Animal Planet? - Stop. - Yes. Sometimes it's better to keep certain memories just in your head. So I've learned, Morty. Good night. Thank you. Good night, Michael. I'm getting sick, man. Fast-forward me till I'm better. Michael, honey, wake up. You'll be late for work. What? It's Monday already? Are you kidding me? No more phlegm? I skipped an entire cold? Thanks to you, baby! I love you! No more Tylenol! I don't remember doing any work this weekend. But apparently I did. - Bad news. There's no hot water. - What? I gotta take a shower. Well, you're gonna freeze your bun-buns off. It's all good. Yes! Look at me. All showered and dressed and looking sexy. I like that. L... Did you smoke crack, Daddy? Just watch your toons and have a great day with Mommy today, okay? Eating cupcakes like your old man. Right here, baby. - Dad? - Yes, sir? Are you gonna have to work late again tonight? - Unfortunately, yes. - Is there anything we can do to help? Well, I'm gonna be partner soon, and I'm gonna need new building designs. So if you guys have any cool ideas, draw them up for me. - Okay. - Rock 'n' roll. - I get the paper. - I got the crayons. Would you stop talking and fix the sewer? You're on it now, yeah. Yeah. Traffic, traffic, no more traffic. Wait a sec! Here we go! Mama! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about, baby! You look a little pale there, pal. Let me fix that. Oh, look at you now. You're all yellow from the scurvy. Captain. Don't get the Hulk angry. You won't like him when he's angry. Oh, there's Barney. I love you, you love me That jogger had giant boobies Okay. Let's get you that tan you been searching for. That's it. That's it. Check out Julio Iglesias... Pretty. - Looking good, Mr. Newman. - Really? Thank you very much, Judy. - Finish? - Did I finish? I believe I finished. - Let's see here. Look at that. - Very impressive, Michael. Yeah, the river in the lobby. This is actually pretty good, man. Where did you find the time to get a tan? - I guess I can do it all, sir. - You can do it all. All right, all right, everybody. It's sexual-harassment-speech day. Now, anyone can be a victim of sexual harassment: Blue collar, white collar, a woman, a man. Even the office♥♥♥♥♥♥ Not that I'm mentioning any names... ...Stacy. Here we go. Sexual harassment can come in many forms. You see, what is hilarious to some, could be offensive to others. Let me try to give you a real-life example because I'm sure I've done it. Like the day I said, "You want a promotion, break out the lotion." I was technically engaged in sexual harassment. Hilarious sexual harassment, if you ask me. Now, there is also homosexual harassment. Now, this is like when one dude comes up to another... ...and says something cheeky. - This will be good. Proceed. I don't know about you Americans... ...but to me there is no doubt... ...lchiro is the greatest of all time. Yeah, he's incredible. You gotta admit, you can always count on Matsui. Oh, Matsui. Well, if you guys love Ichiro and Matsui so much, let's order them both. I'll eat anything. - Excuse us for a moment. - Absolutely, Mr. Watsuhita. See you guys in a bit. Ichiro and Matsui are baseball players. You just insulted their national heroes. I'm going to the bathroom to slit my wrists. I'll be here. These morons are so boring. They make me wanna chop my own♥♥♥♥♥♥off. That hotel design? I'd like to rip it up. Egghead watched a bad documentary on Asian architecture. Who needs a stupid river in the lobby? Let's build more rooms and maximize profits. Eat as fast as you can. Then we can get out of here... ...and do Jell-O shots at America's greatest cultural achievement: T.G.I. Friday's. T.G.I. Friday's! - All right, Michael, save us. - I'm all over it, baby. Before we order, I was looking at our proposal. You know what? After getting to know you a little bit, I realize this is not what you're about. In fact, let's just throw it out, all right? Start from scratch. The river in the lobby idea, what an egghead move. Let's just keep the plans simple, forget all the niceties, maximize our revenue. That's what it's all about anyways, the profits. But do me a favour. Just give us your account and your trust. That way we can get the hell out of this dump, go to T.G.I. Friday's... ...do some Jell-O shots till this guy pukes up a lung. ♥♥♥♥, yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Yes, yes! The king is home! Hello, hello! How can you goons sleep when you know I got you presents? - You did? - What is it? What is it? Well, if you bring your tushies downstairs, we'll find out. I'm coming. I'm coming. Honey, get your sweet little buns downstairs too. Come on, come on! Come and get them. - Awesome! No way! - Yeah, yeah. - It must have cost a million dollars! - That's chump change now. You guys deserve the best... ...and that's what you're gonna get from now on, okay? What's all this? Look who's here. You guys wanna ride these bikes? - Yeah! - Let's take them outside! Wake the O'Doyles, let them see what you got. These are the coolest bikes in the whole town. Kevin O'Doyle's gonna♥♥♥♥♥♥himself. - Don't think I forgot my beautiful wife. - Oh, my gosh. It's not a bike or a cowboy hat, but you're gonna like this, I hope. - Oh, Michael, it's beautiful. - I heard you talking to my mother. - I love it! - You look good, baby. I got myself a celebratory cigar too. Why not? What are we celebrating? "What are we celebrating?" We're healthy, we got a great family... ...l'm Ammer's newest partner... Oh, my God, you're kidding! Honey, congratulations! I knew it! I knew you'd be psyched! I love it! I love you! I single-handedly landed the Watsuhita account. That's incredible. I knew it was gonna be a great day. - I heard our song on the radio. - We have a song? Honey. The song that was playing during our first kiss. Come on. You're kidding me, right? I know our song. Our song. Of course I know our song. Our song is... What the hell was that song? I remember this place. And... Oh, my God. Wolverine's goofy cousin. But look at you. Wow. You are out of his league, aren't you? Oh, yeah, the notes. Smooth, buddy. Oh, look at her. What's gonna happen? You got an answer to that? Okay. Seal the deal, pal. All she's thinking about is, "I am not kissing that beard. Absolutely not, that's gonna hurt me." Wait a minute. Yeah, Newman. Get it. Yeah. Donna! Donna. Oh, my God. I'm so horny now. Oh, God, I'm not. Get me out of here. "Linger" by The Cranberries was playing during our first juicy kiss. And, my God, you looked beautiful in that pink sweater you were wearing. Honey, you remember what I was wearing? Of course. I remember what Janine was wearing. She scared the♥♥♥♥♥♥out of me then. I love you. I love you too, honey. Hi, Mr. Newman. Right this way, Michael. Hey, my new star. Congratulations. Sit down, big guy. All right. I am a little tired. The family was up late last night celebrating. You really knocked one out of the park last night, didn't you? Hey, you were great too. All you gotta do is draw up the construction plans. If Watsuhita commits to the bulk of the funds... ...l'm looking at my new partner.

Script Part 5

I thought I was already your partner. Whoa, cowboy. I said, " Land the Watsuhita account, you'll get promoted." - I didn't mean right this second. - But I already told my wife, sir. I spent money I don't have. To do these documents is gonna take me months. Then you better get started. Wow, I just got a big headache! - Was I hit by a train or something? - I didn't see anything. I forgot to tell you. I hung out with your friend Janine this weekend. I hope she's doing your brother right now, you big-headed buffoon. No, no, no. You got more. Yeah. Anyway, the sooner you get back to work... ...the sooner you'll be partnerized. - I taste♥♥♥♥♥♥ - You do? Stacy! Did you put♥♥♥♥♥♥in my lunch? I'm gonna get going now, sir. Stacy! Have you considered the consequences... ...of the thing you're thinking about doing? Yeah. What are you saying, I shouldn't do it? It's your life. What you do with the remote is your decision, Michael. I know, so, I mean, we're talking a couple of months here. I fast-forward through it, what am I gonna miss? Thirty arguments and a haircut? Remember the leprechaun? The one from the cereal ad. "They're magically delicious." That guy? He's always chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But when he gets there at the end of the day... ...it's just corn flakes. - Michael. - Yes. - You don't understand the metaphor? - I won't do it, all right. - Dad? - Yeah. - We have some designs for you. - It's not a good time, man. Maybe they'll help you finish quicker. All right. You want me to look at it? Let me see. The ceiling's too high, the hallway's too narrow... ...stairway placement makes no sense at all. - What the hell's this room made of? - Pizza. Well, it's stupid. Next. What is yours made of? - Pickles. - Oh, don't be a baby. Michael, have you lost your mind? He's 7 years old. If he wants a playroom made of pizza, then why not? Maybe he's gotta grow up sometime and get the hell off Fantasy Island. Hey, pizza boy. Life ain't about being creative. It's about kissing♥♥♥♥♥ playing it safe, making your boss a lot of money... ...in hopes one day he might throw you a stinking bone. All right? Yes, sir. Ammer didn't make you partner, did he? Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. But we'll get through this, okay? I promise. Jeez! Man, that's all we ever do is get through it. When is it gonna end? Pretty sweet, eh? Two queen beds, full kitchen, steam shower... ...and satellite TV with surround sound. Why are you always trying to hurt me? One day I'm gonna hurt you back. Michael Newman, I didn't know you smoked cigars. And now's the time. No, Kathy, this isn't mine. I took it out of Kevin's hands. Yeah, he was smoking like a chimney. No, I wasn't! I think I smell marijuana in it. Kevin O'Doyle, you get your♥♥♥♥♥br>in this house right now! I hate you. Are you deaf? Move it! I don't wanna have to ask you again! Dope is for dopes, buddy! Get your♥♥♥♥♥in this house! We don't have any other choice, guys. - No fair! I don't wanna return my bike! - We have to, honey. - But Daddy gave them to us! - Because he loves you. Unfortunately, there was a mix-up at Daddy's work. We need to bring the bikes back for now. But I already told Kevin O'Doyle I got a new bike. Well, we can paint my old bike and make it look new. That's a girl's bike. All the kids will make fun of me. No! I wanna keep my bike! I can't take this anymore. Fast-forward me to my promotion. So here's to Michael Newman... ...the greatest partner I could ever dream of. Hear, hear! Thank you. Thank you, guys. My family thanks you. I'm gonna do the best I can and I won't let you down, I promise. Yeah! - Congratulations, Mr. Newman. - This is great. Thank you. How's it feel, killer? - Feels incredible, sir. - Well, you earned it. I'm telling you. Not just because of that Watsuhita project either. For helping me pick up the slack now I'm spending time with my lady. Hey, Dinkie. Are you kidding me? You guys have been dating a couple months now? That's pretty huge for this one. No, the first few months were easy. It was the one-year hump that was the tough part. Her inappropriate weekend with my brother in Cabo... ...well, that was a potential speed bump. But, well, Dr. Bergman helped us work through it, didn't he, honey? How's he doing for you and Donna? Dr. Bergman. What do you mean? Oh, you know what, sweetie? It's none of our business. Let's let Michael bask in his glory. Cheers. Bask away, partner. Took that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ a year to promote me? What else did I miss? -♥♥♥♥♥♥ - Need something, Mr. Newman? - Who are you? - Kirsten, your assistant. What happened to Alice? She moved to Accounting. Couldn't handle your hours. And she prefers to be called Alan now. Remember? No. No. No! And who the hell's Dr. Bergman? And I feel like Michael's making no effort to connect with me at all. No, no. I want to. I want to. It's... I'm on autopilot. "I'm on autopilot." More like auto-zombie. Good one, Donna. - "Good one, Donna"? - Michael, relax. Who is this bigmouth? Why can't you and I just talk? Why? Because there is no talking to you. You're never home to talk to. And when you are, you're just sitting there staring off into space. What do you want from me? This is what happens. He's gonna answer his phone. What the heck happened? I didn't even touch the remote. Great, you gonna start watching TV at dinner? Oh, can we? Samantha. My little angel. Look at you. Look how long your hair's getting. When did you grow up? Ben, get over here. Don't worry. I'm not gonna work tonight. Watch Dragon Tales together. What do you say? Dragon Tales is for babies, Dad. I wanna watch CSI. Yeah, CSI. It's the episode when they find the lady's arm. What happened? I missed the whole Dragon Tales era? Whoa, hey, hello. What are you doing? Come here! Give me my Twinkie! Get back here, you freaking gremlin! Don't yell at Peanut because he found your Twinkie stash. Who's Peanut? Where's Sundance? Don't mention Sundance. The kids just stopped crying. About what? Why? What happened? He died? Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no. The stupid idiot and soft fur. - Daddy held it in so long. - He was the best dog! He's finally letting himself feel it. One night when the duck's head was off... ...he tried to hump my leg and I didn't let him... ...and I should've and I'm sorry. - What an idiot. - It's okay, it's okay. What the heck did I do? I love you. Do you still love me? Oh, Michael. It's been... I'm really confused. No, no, no. I'll change, okay? I'll be a better man, I promise. Don't go, don't go. I'll stop working so much, okay? I'll be with you. Just stay with me. Oh, my God, it didn't take the duck long to get over Sundance. It's a little deviant, but it's kind of turning me on. Yeah, well, let's kiss and make up. No. No! It's not my fault. It jumped on its own. I didn't even hit the button. Not even close. Yes? - You scared... - Honey, what's going on down there? It's all right! L... There was a mouse! I killed it! It's dead! But it broke the table first! - How did you get in here? - I had a feeling you wanted to see me. I'm freaking out. This thing, it's broken. It's just... It's fast-forwarding on its own now. It's not a malfunction, it's a feature. It's using its memory to execute your preferences. It remembers stuff? What do you mean? It's an advanced piece of equipment, like TiVo. You could call it Me Vo. I fast-forwarded through sex one time, I don't wanna skip it forever. I like sex. It feels good. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you fast-forwarded through an entire year. That's a lot of sex. Put it all together, that's like 30 minutes' worth for you. Oh, no, no. So what, everything I fast-forwarded... ...it's gonna do it on its own now? - Pretty much. No more showering, no more traffic. No more arguing. No more sickness. This is bad, this is bad. You take it back, I'm deactivating my service. I quit, I quit. Thanks for everything, all right, but l... Yeah. You... This is not... Don't be mean. Nice hat. No, no, no. Get away from me. Just get away. Get away.

Script Part 6

Leave me alone. Is this a stickup? Or are you just happy? Yeah? I'm gonna take my clothes off, then... I wouldn't do that if I were you. There's only one place left for it to pop up. Oh. No, no, I don't want that. Come on, man. I told you, this item is nonreturnable. - Come on, just take it. - Until we meet again. Don't do that. Come on, Morty. How do I get it to stop fast-forwarding? Morning, sweetie. You wanna shower first? Yeah. No! I can't shower because then I'll fast-forward. And if I fast-forward, who knows how long I'll fast-forward for. How's this? I'm gonna rough it today, like in the Old West. Okay? Donna, I wanna tell you what's going on right now so bad... ...but it might lead to an argument. We can't argue because off I'll go. So just know there is a problem. I tried to get rid of the problem, it almost ended up in my♥♥♥♥♥ I'm gonna go to work and try to figure this out. You're going to work in your bathrobe? Honey. We can't argue, okay? No more arguing. You're right. I'm wrong. All the time. You want a kiss? - I'll take a kiss. - I can't. If I give you a kiss... ...it might lead to something else, then... three minutes goes by. You're laying there disappointed, I'm smiling. I wanna be with you every minute of my life, that's why I gotta leave now. Have a great day! Once again, Michael left Donna in bed confused and unsatisfied. Shut up, James Earl Jones! No, you shut up, big mouth! Michael! Mr. Ammer is here Your first day as a partner, you come to work in a fricking bathrobe? I did. I did. John, I just feel we should stop wasting our energy... ...on corporate brown-nosing and worrying who's got the better suit. Armani, Calvin Klein, who cares? Let's concentrate on what really matters, the work. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. But goddamn it, you're right. Life-changing. I feel freer. Yeah... Keep the pants on. Sexual harassment, eh? Speaking of life-changing... ...there's something, or actually someone, I'd like to talk to you about. - Janine. - Everything okay? Michael, Janine and I decided to drop out of the rat race... ...slow down, move to Morocco. - Morocco? - Morocco. Okay. Eric Lamensoff will assume my day-to-day responsibilities... ...and I'd like you to take his job. But Eric Lamensoff is the head of the whole international division. - I've been your partner one day. - So? Every account you worked on turned into gold. You know, I wouldn't be surprised... ...if one day you ended up being our CEO. Hey, I would love for that to happen, but... No! No, no, no! I don't want a promotion! No! Michael, you have a phone call. Michael Newman. Word up, big guy. Ten years ago you told me you wanted to be CEO. Great news. Eric Lamensoff killed himself. So you better stop with the junk food, Mr. Chairman... ... or you'll end up killing yourself too. Opening virtual blinds. Ten years? How much worse can things get? Oh, my God, I'm a fat guy! Look at me. What is this? This is ♥♥♥♥♥♥s. I got juicy ♥♥♥♥♥♥s! What... What is that? Oh, God, no. Just take me home. This is 1010 WINS news. February 5th, 2017. Britney Spears had her 23rd baby today. Proud father Kevin Federline says he's now considering getting a job. Also, Michael Jackson, the first man to clone himself... ... is now suing himself for molesting himself. Donna! Donna! Can I help you? - Hey, Dad. - "Hey, Dad"? Ben? That's you? Look how big you got. You're enormous. Look who's talking, Captain Twinkie of the S.S. Fat♥♥♥♥♥ Really good for my self-esteem. Maybe if you would take me to Pilates like you said... ...people wouldn't think I was Rosie O'Donnell! Come on, I love you! - Bring me back the Twinkies! - You're so cruel! Will you please stop yelling? It is so embarrassing. - Is that my daughter? - Mom, I'm going to Derek's! That's you, Samantha? When did you get boobs? The same time you did, Dad. Now can I go? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the hell's this Derek guy? My boyfriend, the hottest boy in school, hello? He's gonna be hot when I burn his house down. Get your♥♥♥♥♥upstairs, put normal clothes on. - Why are you so mean to me? - Get them on now! - And wipe off all that makeup! - Right! Is Peanut dead too? This one's got the duck doing all the work. Donna. Donna. Goddamn it. Look how gorgeous you look. I'm so scared. - Knock, knock, gang. - Hey, sweetie. What's going on? Donna and I were gonna get hot chocolate. - You want us to bring you one? - You cheating on me? With Johnny G-String over here? Come on. Time-out. I thought we were past that. No, no, no, we're past this argument. No, you're right, no big deal. Hey, it's just that you don't mess with another man's wife! Michael! Stop it! Stop it, Michael! It was your decision to move out! So stay out! Get off me! You sticking up for him? Go away! Go away, I hate you! - We can't argue! Donna, please! - I hate you! I hate you! Oh, man! You hate me? No. No. Ten years, you're not finished yet? Morty! Why did you do this to me? You did this to yourself, Michael. No. No, I didn't wanna waste all that time. I didn't wanna lose Donna! The remote goes by your behaviour. Every time you had a conflict between work and home, work won. - No, not true. - Lie to your wife. Lie to yourself. But you cannot lie to the remote. The remote is lie-proof, so you can't change what already happened. But you're still a young man. A young, fat man. You could win Donna back. So that's what I'll do. Go for it, tubs. I saw what you did to the duck. Very good. Nice work. You'll feel that in a second. All right, please, please just read my note. - Hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Oh, my nuts! Michael, are you awake? Michael, honey. Are you awake? Donna. Where'd all my fat go? It was just a dream? A terrible, terrible dream. What's that, Michael? You had a bad dream? Did a fuzzy dog push me over? Oh, Shaggy the miracle dog? Yeah, if he hadn't knocked you on your noggin... ...you wouldn't have had the CAT scan that found the cancer before it spread. I have cancer? No, you had cancer. You're the only person to gain weight during chemo. That's probably what caused your heart attack. Heart attack? I thought they weaned you off the morphine. Okay, Mr. Junk Food... ...since the injury, you haven't been healthy a full day. When exactly did I hurt my head? When was it? Like, six years ago? Six more years! No! No! It skipped all my sickness. I'm gonna ask them to cut back on painkillers. Donna, don't go. What's this? That's not bad for your third liposuction. One more tummy tuck should take care of it. Oh, it looks like a tongue... ...licking. Look, I should go. Bill's waiting for me downstairs. - So I'll probably... - Bill? You're still with Speedo Torpedo? Whatever happened to "forever and ever," honey? "Forever and ever"? Look, Michael, I'm trying to have a civilized relationship with you... ...for the kids' sake. I really wanna be friends, but I can't do that if you... Would you stop flapping that thing? It's my flap, I'll do whatever the hell I want with it! You done? Look, Bill's my husband. Please learn to accept that. I really have to go. Husband? Donna? No. Donna. Donna. Donna! Welcome to Newman Architecture. Building a better world for all of us. Architect of the year, 2018. All your dreams came true, huh, moron? Dad. Hey, how you feeling? - Benjamin. Look at that. - Look... What? Your face. Your skinny face. You're shaving now, huh, kid? Your entire♥♥♥♥♥is gone. What happened? Good for you. Right, my♥♥♥♥♥ Why don't we talk about it in my office. My old office. The architect. How did this happen? - Mom said you were still a little loopy. - No, no, no. I'm feeling terrific. The weight. How did you do it? Staple treatment like your old man? Wanna have a flap fight? You gotta see this... No. Just working out with Bill five times a week. Same as always. That's a looker. Blondie, big lips. Chesty. Is that your girl? No, that's your daughter Samantha. Of course it is. And you better always take care of her... ...and make sure nobody touches her except you.

Script Part 7

I'm just getting ready for this meeting. Okay. Absolutely. I'll take off for you. I'd like to spend more time together. All of us. Take you out for ice cream. How's that? I know your mother won't come... ...but you, Samantha, Grandpa, Grandma. That'd be nice, huh? I knew something was funny with you today. Papa, take a seat. Let me get you a water, okay? What are we sitting for? - Here you go, Pop, drink this. - All right. Drink some water. There, I had my water. What's going on? Grandpa died, Dad. He died a while back now. No, no, no. Don't say that. Where was I? You're crying? What happened? Nothing. You know, he just got old. That's life. -♥♥♥♥♥♥ - You're born and you live and you die. Man, I gotta go. Hey, hang on. Susie, push my next meeting. No, no, do your meeting. It's fine. I'm just dizzy. - Why are you crying? - I'm dizzy from the operation. You're gonna make me cry, Dad. You don't... You don't have to go. You look... You look good. It's all right. Goodbye. Come on. Come on. It won't take you there. Take me where? To the moment he died. You weren't there. Of course I wasn't. Can you take me to the last time I saw him, please? Hey, Dad. Sorry to bug you. Would you mind looking at my shopping mall design again? This one is cheaper. But if you check this out... ...you'll see it has a much better natural flow... Cheaper one, like I said. Now, just let me do my e-mail. Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Dad. He ain't right. You're a♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Look at it! Surprise. Hey, Grandpa. Oh, my God. When did you get so handsome? So, Michael, I had a wonderful idea. Your mother's playing canasta with her friends tonight. I thought, "What a great opportunity." You, me and Ben should go and have a boys' night out. - Can't. - What do you mean you can't? You have to eat sometime. We could go, we could whistle at pretty girls. - I'm down for that. - See? He's down. I don't know what it means, but he's down. - Hey. Please. - Don't give me that finger. I'll make you a deal. If you come, I'll show you the quarter trick. - Will you look at the man? - I'll tell you the secret. No, Dad. Don't you wanna know how l...? I know how you do the stupid trick. I've always known. Can you let me do my work? You've always known. You're pathetic. Okay. I'm so sorry I barged in. I love you, son. See you later, Grandpa, I love you. Dad. Pop. Pop. I love you, son. I love you, son. I love you, son. I love you too, Dad. I'll miss you. You know that. Goodbye. I'm sorry about your father. Taking him wasn't something I wanted to do. What do you mean "taking him"? I'm an angel, Michael. An angel? I thought an angel was supposed to protect people. I'm the angel of death. Your dad, it was his time. You ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. All right, leave me alone. Leave me alone. You had your fun. Just take me to a good place. And now, everybody, it's time for Mr. Newman to say a few words. Yay, Michael! Go get them, Michael! Speech! Wedding cake. Wedding cake. Okay, where's the groom? Show your face. Hi, Dad. Ben. I didn't miss my son's wedding. Wow, this is terrific, buddy. Who's the lucky lady? Very funny, Mr. Newman. Aunt Peggy, is that you? God, you got old. No, no. L... She... I'm just playing. She knows that. Ma. Ben's wife... ...welcome to the family. Thank you. Congratulations. Let's have the best night, okay? Look at you, Ma. You look amazing. Michael, you haven't kissed me like that since you were a little boy. You are the best, Ma. You know I know that, right? Oh, darling, that's so sweet. You know, Michael, your father would've loved to be here. I know, Ma. Okay? I'm just glad you're here. Me too, bubbala. Me too. Me too. It's beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Look at her. Donna, my favourite. You're such a♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥br>for letting her go. But don't let me ruin your evening. I'll talk to you later. Christina. Michael, you've been so generous taking care of all this... ...and the kids' honeymoon. - Absolutely. - Thank you so much. Of course. Ben's wife seems like a nice kid, huh? - I think she's wonderful. - Definite keeper. Here's one you might remember from The Cranberries. Out of all the songs, huh? Bill, since it's our son's wedding... ...do you mind if I dance with my ex-husband for a minute? - Not at all. - Thank you. Just have her back by midnight, all right, champ? You got it, Bill. Why does he have a bathing suit on? Nice Speedo, buddy. Still smelling good, huh? After all these years. Are you happy? Of course I'm happy, our son just got married. Not about that. Are you happy about where our lives ended up? "Ended." It's not over yet. - That's my Donna. - It's true. That Samantha? Hey. What are you doing? Put a sweater on. Cover them up. What is with you? Just kidding, I... Just not used to seeing you all grown-up like this. Okay, well, if that's your way of telling me that I look pretty, then thank you. Let's go get some cake. - I'll race you there, Dad. Come on. - Okay. "Dad"? Michael, are you okay? Is there a doctor? We need a doctor here! Michael! - Dad! - Dad! It's just corn flakes. One dance, you pop an artery. Why'd you make me waste my entire life? You were fast-forwarding through your life... ...long before you ever met me. You lived the life you chose, big shot. This is not the life I wanted. It is. Looks like it is. Hey. You're up. How you feeling? I feel better now that you guys are here. Samantha's been here like 36 hours straight. She said she wouldn't leave the hospital until you woke up. - Why'd you do that? - Because. You're my father. I thought Bill was your father. I have two fathers. One of them told me he was gonna live till he was 200. Remember? You both really need to get some sleep. And I got a plane to catch. Big Ben's gotta go on his honeymoon. Actually, I just cancelled the honeymoon. Kensington deal might fall through, so I gotta go do damage control. - Julie and I can go to Italy anytime. - No. It's not that big a deal. - That's not fair to your wife. - Dad... ...she gets it. Keeping the business going is more important. Guys, I'm sorry. You're gonna have to leave. He needs his rest. All right. Bye, Dad. Bye, Daddy. Get this off of me. Whoa, whoa! Hey, fella, you're a long way from walking out of here. I gotta see my son. You're not going anywhere. Now, get back into the bed. - Isn't that Colin Farrell? - Where? Michael. Those machines are keeping you alive. I gotta talk to my boy. - Michael, stop. - No. Michael, it doesn't have to end now. Ben! Ben! Ben! Ben! Dad? Dad? Dad, what are you doing? Are you okay? - Oh, my God. - Help! Help! - Dad! Dad! - Help! Ben, Ben. Family. Family. Family. What? Family. Family. Family comes first. Family comes first. Honeymoon. Honeymoon. Honeymoon. I love you. Samantha. Samantha. I didn't make 200, but I love you. I love you. Bill, Bill, Bill. I'm sorry. Michael. The note you wrote her, it's in your pocket. Forever and ever, babe. It's time to go. - Where am I? - You're in Bed Bath & Beyond, sir. I was just watching you sleep. You looked like you were having a crazy dream. What? You're not supposed to lay in the beds, but I do sometimes. I'm back in the store? I'm young again. I'm young again. Well, I mean, you're not "young" young. I'm young. You're kind of on the back nine. No, no. No. I'm just teeing off, baby. Look at you. You want a friend? You want a friend? I'll be your friend, baby. I'll be your friend. I'll be your... Oh, my God! Yes, my crappy car! You mediocre, middle-class piece of♥♥♥♥♥♥ I love you! Pop, Pop. Pop. There he is. There he is. - What's wrong? What happened? - Nothing's wrong. Everything's incredible, Ma. I just wanted to tell you I love you. - I love you. - I love you so much. You gotta tell me how you do the quarter trick, it's driving me crazy. A magician never reveals his secrets. However, if you invite us over for dinner more... You come over tomorrow night, and the night after that. Any time you want. - Stop, I'm gonna have a heart attack. - No, I have the heart attacks. Thank you so much for giving birth to me,

Script Part 8

I know it hurt. Okay? You have no idea. But, honey, please, stay off the bong pipe. I can't promise you that. Okay. I'm up. What do you think? If you massage me first. Okay, let's go to sleep. Mom, wake up! There's a crazy noise downstairs. What the heck is going on? Hey, do you mind? I am trying to concentrate. Here I am, staying up all night... ...trying to come up with activities for our Fourth of July camping trip... ...but you won't let me think! You want time to think? Why don't you think about the fact that you just wo... What did you just say? Yes, you heard me. If you keep up this weird attitude... ...I won't be able to work for a year and have to plan 10 more vacations. - That make you happy? - Did you eat a bad Yodel? Give me those big lips. - What's going on down here? - Ben. Ben! Come here. Oh, my God. I missed you, I missed you. Look at you, boy. I'm gonna finish the tree house. We're gonna sleep in it next weekend. From now on, we're gonna exercise and I'm not gonna wear a Speedo. - All right! - All right. And you. Nice jump! I love you. One day, you are gonna be the hottest chick alive. But you still gotta have brains. So tomorrow I'm gonna teach you calculus. You know calculus? I knew you'd call me on that. Your mom will teach you. Now, get your rest, because tomorrow we're going camping! I know! It's gonna be the best! - Put a sweater on! Don't take it off! - Okay, Daddy. Oh, and Sundance! Doggie years go by very quick, so it's time to enjoy the real thing. Yeah, go get some, baby. What are you doing? What are you doing? No. Go to Sundance, not the duck. They told me at the pet store it was a female. They lied to me, I guess. - You staying downstairs tonight? - Why? That's getting you going? It's Fourth of July, I'm gonna celebrate with my wife. Take my time, massage her, make sure she is fully satisfied. But you know, it isn't the Fourth of July, it's only the 2nd. That's even better. Happy 2nd of July, honey. - Think I like this holiday. - Yeah? I'm gonna go change into my Pocahontas costume. - I'll see you upstairs. - I'll bring the duck. Okay, I gotta call my dad and tell him to get the old tent ready. "Like I said, 'Good guys need a break.' I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love, Morty. P. S: Your wife's rocking body still drives me crazy." Okay, Morty. Hey, who wants to have a pillow fight?

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on September 15... And... And she's the older... Older twin. I'm older by 10 minutes. She's... Ten minutes. Cause she had an umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. And she, like, shoved me in there and wouldn't let me out. I was, like, kicking her in, shoving her more in my mom, so that's why she came out, like, later. Yeah. And... She came out the bigger twin, too. Well, I came out a pound heavier than Kara, so that's why I'm an inch taller now. She's always been, like, a pound heavier. No. So, yeah, it's... You know, I love being twins, man. It's, uh... It's basically like you have a bag of spare parts. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's, like, I need a kidney down the road, I know he's got one, so I'm always like, "Hey, stay healthy, dude. Eat right." When we were kids, we had our own secret language that only me and my brother understood. Ooh. Eee. Ooh. I guess, when we were kids, we thought we were whales. Like, when things are bad, we don't really got to say anything to each other. We just make these sounds. It's like... So, I just graduated from Harvard, and I'm starting a new job at a law firm in Southern California, so I'm really happy about that. And I got a job at Hooters. I'm happy, too. Hooters! Being a twin is like being a married couple, and you can't divorce her. Even, like! I mean, I love her when we're together. Well, actually, more so when we're distant. She loves nature, like me. She loves donating her time to charities. And she loves eating healthy, so that's awesome. She's my best friend. My best friend is my boyfriend. They say we're young and we don't know We won't find out till we grow Well, I don't know if all that's true 'Cause you got me and, baby, I got you Babe I got you, babe I got you, babe I got you, babe And when I'm sad You're a clown And if I get scared You're always around So let them say your hair's too long 'Cause I don't care With you I can't go wrong Babe I got you, babe I got you, babe Pepto-Bismol, take 43. And action! Please, why do I have to have such diarrhea? You need to drink the pink. Hold it. Cut! Cut! Jack! What is he doing? Jack, are you watching this'? What do you mean, "Cut", man? I... I got to be at Sesame Street by 1:00. Hey, hey, hey, Reeg, do you really have diarrhea? 'Cause you lost weight or something. Why does the stomach have all the good lines'? Uh-huh. "Drink the pink." That's funny. I'm sorry, Jack. The Dunkin' Donut people want to talk to us. Okay, well, I got to Regis, it's going to be fine. Yeah, and you'll take care of that, and, uh... Thank you very much. I didn't need that, but cool. I got some bad news. We may lose Dunkin' Donuts. What do you mean "lose"? They didn't like our pitches? They want Al Pacino. Al Pacino to do a commercial? Mmm-hmm. The Godfather Al Pacino? They got this new coffee drink, the Dunkaccino. Uh-huh. Dunkaccino, Al Pacino, they sound alike. Yes. Well, they think it'll be a home run. Of course it would be a home run if he would ever do it, which he won't. Yeah, well, never say never. Remember, you didn't think we could get Brad Pitt to do that Radio Shack commercial. I was right. Well, you can't be right all the time. Uh-huh. Look, bottom line, they're going to give us one month to make this whole Pacino thing happen, or they're going to go elsewhere. We can't lose Dunkin' Donuts. They're our biggest client. Damn it. We're going to go bankrupt, buddy. And we have 200 employees relying on us. Try to have a good Thanksgiving, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think? Would Al Pacino ever do a Dunkin' Donuts commercial? What? Yeah. Shut up. Did my wife call? Uh, yeah. You're all set for the cruise. You guys leave a week after Hanukkah. Okay, all right. There's some good news. Yeah. She converted, right'? That's so cool. She doesn't look Jewish at all. Wow. That was anti-Semitic. What? No, I just... See, I can say that, you can't. You're not Jewish. No, but I'm close. What... What does that mean? I'm an atheist. You're two for two right there. What? No... Anyways, did my sister say what time she's flying in tomorrow? Yeah, I was supposed to pick her up at noon, but she switched the flight to earlier, so now she gets in at 4:00 in the morning. Why? Something about jet lag She never listens. She gains three hours. Every year, she acts like she's flying to New Zealand. She's a freak, man. Yeah, again, you can't say that. No, I... Honey... Yeah? Try complimenting her. Huh? Yeah. What? To avoid fighting. Just focus on something positive. Tell Jill that she has nice shoes. Nice shoes. That's good. That'll work. I love you, honey. I love you, too. And I love my sister. And I can keep my cool. It's only four days. I love my sister. I love her shoes. I love my sister. I love her shoes. Well, I just... I can't find him anywhere. Does he know what terminal it is'? I... Okay, okay, I see him. All right, I'm hanging up. How are we doing? Where were you? I've been waiting forever for you. This place is creeping me out. Why so many bags? Are the Knicks traveling with you'? What is with this? Mom always said, "it's better to have it and not need it" "than to need it and not have it." Oh, yeah, she did say that. I remember that. That was cool. Are you going bald? Huh? No, no, no, no. You're getting fatter, and your hair doesn't realize that it needs to cover more face. Okay. Where'd you put the car? You really had to bring your bird? Yeah, she's my best friend. Anyways, Jill, I was thinking... Yeah? The house is going to be very crowded 'cause we got the kids, and all the guests are coming by, and blah, blah, blah. So, there's this new hotel, a Hilton that they just built down... But I want to spend time with Sofie and Gary. Why, do you not want me to stay with you? No, no, no, no. Of course I want you to stay with us. I was just... I was just saying. Okay, I'll stay with you, then. It's too bad, 'cause the hotel was starting to sound fun. Why are you doing that? Why do you sigh so loud? I just really, really love your shoes. You are so weird. Isn't he weird, Poopsie? Where were you? Poopsie gets it. Yeah. Poopsie really gets it. She always did get it. I... It's just... She always loved getting it. And then your dad and I went to the soup kitchen, and they gave us Otto to bring to Thanksgiving dinner this year. Thanks again for having me. It's very nice. Are you going to eat dinner with us tonight'? Yes, he is, honey. And what about tomorrow night'? Tomorrow, Otto's going to go back home... Less. Sorry. Uh, Sofia, show Otto your karate moves. You know, why don't... Why don't you go wake up Jill? What? It's 5:30. She's here. That's the important thing. It counts as a day. So what? She's sleeping. Jack... All right, I'll go check on Jill. Thank you. It's okay, Otto. It's just her... Jill. Wake up. Okay, stay sleeping Jet lag. I have a gun! Oh, my God! You see, I live alone. Poopsie's trained to watch out for me. Don't sneak up like that, all right'? Where were you? I don't... Come downstairs. Uh, the food's ready. Can you just lay down with me for five minutes? I'm not laying down with you. No. Come on. I just want some twin time. I'm a grown man. I'm not laying next to you. Just have Poopsie lay with you. I... I don't know. Aw. All right. I'll take a bath, and I'll meet you downstairs in an hour. Good looking out, Poopsie. Don't forget your sweat shadow. What? All right, just take your bath and all that stuff, and then burn those sheets. Hey, GUYS Jill! You look amazing. Aw. Macy's, Marshalls. Hey, where am I sitting? What do you mean? 'Cause, usually, I sit next to you. So all of a sudden, I'm... I'm not going to sit here? Oh, uh, would you... I thought you could sit down here. I always sit next to Jack. ls there a reason I'm moving? No. Jill, if you'd like, you could sit here. I'd be happy to move. Oh, that's okay. You're fine. If you want to... If you... Do you want to sit here? I don't know. Okay, you just sit in my chair. How's that? There you go. All right, thank you. Gary, is that you? Yes, it is. Look how handsome you are. Thank you. It's so nice to see you. Look at this leaf. Look at this. You have it taped on you? That's so cute. Yes. Why did he do that? He likes tape. Hey. Sofie, is that you, or is that you? Good to see you, Erin. Good to see you, Jill. How was your flight? Oh, the house looks amazing. You got a new chandelier? Yeah, yeah. I loved the old one. SO, how's every bodys Gobble-Gobble Day'? Great. Excellent. By the way, Jill, this is Otto. Otto. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. He's homeless, right? He seems clean, but you should put one of those toilet seat protectors underneath him to make sure he doesn't ruin the chair. Are you whispering with a bullhorn or something'? Everybody hears you. No, they can't, Mr. Hearing Expert. So... Pass that down, Daddy. I'm allowed out here once a year, so I tend to miss things. What's going on? Anything new'? Well, Sofie just got her green belt in karate. How come I didn't know about this? I didn't even know she did karate. What... I mean, I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone right now. I'm like Jimmy Stewart at the end of that movie, the one where... They... They're in Pottersville. What... What is that... That movie called? It's a Wonderful Life? No, no, with Jimmy Stewart. The... The one where he meets the angel and he's mad. It's a Wonderful Life. Why do you keep saying that? No, the one where he falls in the pool and he sings Buffalo Gals. He gets all the money at the end, and he finds out that his life really is wonderful. Star Wars. They play it every Christmas. You must have saw it before Jack made you convert. What? What are you doing right now? Your brother didn't make me do anything, Jill. Everyone has to be like Jack over here. Even poor Gary. What? What does that mean? You made him switch from being Indian. What is wrong with you? We adopted him when he was 10 days old. This is all he knows. Did you ever think maybe he tapes things to himself 'cause he doesn't feel connected? You know, to his real parents'? That was very smart. I just thought of that. Isn't it? That was interesting. Aunt Jill? Yes, sweetheart. Yes, Sofie. Do you and Daddy have twin powers? What's this? What is twin powers? It's this thing we saw on 60 Minutes. Some twins have strange powers, and they can feel when the other one's hurt. Oh, Jack and I can do that. What? Why are you making a face? When we were kids, you felt it when I broke my ankle. I felt it 'cause you fell on my head. You like that one? Yeah. All right, good, good. Oh, please! Tell me you don't feel this. I didn't feel it. Maybe if you did it harder. Little harder. No, Jill. Stop it. He's kidding. What? Donkey fight! Jill, are you okay? Yeah, no, I'm fine. Gary, that was... He didn't 100% connect. Feel that, Daddy? I... I actually did feel something there. Pride in my son. Oh, will you stop it already? These sweet potatoes need salt. I'm so sick of that. Why are you so afraid to admit that we are connected? Face it. We shared Mom's womb. We were womb-mates. Oh, that is just disgusting. I have an idea. On the show, there were these twins, and they finished each other's sentences. Jack, maybe you could start a sentence, and Jill, you could finish it. No. No. Come on, Daddy, please! Please, Daddy, please! Please. Oh, my God. Ready to receive mental images. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep... All right, will you stop? You're scaring him. That's just noises she's making. Okay, ready? Yes. I'm very tired, so I'm going to Go to the supermarket. No, I'm going to sleep. What is... Why would I go to a supermarket if I was tired'? That's what I would do. The cold air always wakes you up. Isn't it nice when it's... You go over there in the frozen food section? God bless... You! God bless you! I finished your sentence. Got you, Pagogo. What's Pagogo? Oh, it's... It's a name that Aunt Jill used to call your dad when they were growing up. I was Pokee, and your father was Pagogo. We had our own secret language. Ook maga do do, Pagogo. I have no idea what those words mean, nor have I ever known what those words meant. You do know what they mean, and you're lying right now. "Ook maga do do" means "I love you." "Bongi" means "thank you." "Klapa" means "left." Hey, do you remember what "Locky mocky koko" means'? Mmm. What does it mean again? Jack, don't. It means, "I can't stand you being here!" This is really awkward. I'm going to go. Dessert is coming. I'm full. Okay... I love how nice we are to this homeless man, a person we don't even know, who probably is pretending to be homeless! You don't look homeless to me! You're fat! You're al-Qaeda! Sofia, why don't you go upstairs? No, Mom, this is my favorite part of Thanksgiving. You know what? I'm leaving. I'm leaving. That's it. That's it. I'm going. I am going! I hope you're happy! I'm sleeping out here in the woods! At least the animals will be nice. Jill! He's even turning the kids against me! Are you okay? Jill, are you all right? No. See, the kids love you. And I love them. And that's the only reason that I come back here every year. Jack, apologize. I'm sorry that you make everybody uncomfortable. I really am. Jack. All right. I'm sorry about what I said back there. I didn't mean it. I... I love you. I just feel abandoned. I'm all alone in the Bronx. I don't have any family with me any more. We didn't abandon you. I told you, you can Skype us any time you want. I don't even know what that means. What is Skype? It sounds anti-Semitic. What is it? It's just this Internet thing. I don't get that! You know I don't have a calculator. - Okay. - Do you know what? Our home is your home. So let's go back. I have some ice cream. I don't know, Erin. I'm too upset. I can't eat right now. What flavor? Chocolate. No. You have maple walnut? I don't like chocolate. I... I didn't know you liked maple walnut Hang in there, brother. She's only here till Sunday. What is done cannot now be amended! Yeah, Ted, I'm looking at it right now. So, this was two nights ago? If I did take the kingdom from your sons, to make amends, I give it to your daughter. Will you get that? Whoa. You have a phone in your hand! You are told before the play starts not to have it ring! Shut all cell phones off! This is what the man said! Yeah, this guy's going to do a Dunkin' Donuts commercial. This has got to stop. I'm losing my mind. Help me. Where am I? Thank you. Thank you all for coming. Yeah. How do you know Pacino's going to a Laker game'? Well, yeah, get the tickets, but how am I even going to get near the guy'? He's going to have security or something. I'm not telling my wife to wear something trashy just 'cause it would save our company. Unless she wants to. I mean, that's her thing No... I'm hanging up the phone. Goodbye. Excuse me, Mrs. Erin, the magnolia branch in the backyard could fall off any time. I mean, I don't want anyone to get hurt. Should I take it down now'? Oh, oh, yeah, sure, sure. Whatever... Whatever you think, Felipe. Okay... Oh, did you have a nice Thanksgiving? Yeah, I had the whole family come over. Even my Aunt Rosa snuck across the border. I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Who are you? Are you a gardener or something? No, I... I don't just do gardening. I do impressions, too. When Immigration shows up, I do a great impression of a tree. I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Oh, strong. All right. Jay Leno better watch his back. You know it. Nice to meet you, seorita. Okay, nice to meet you. What is he doing? What is his problem? Oh, oh! Jack, Jack, Jack! I put a little list together of things I want to do before I leave, so... Oh, my God. I got to touch that? Yeah. "Studio tour, beach," "horseback riding, get on a game show." You can't get through all this stuff. You're leaving Sunday. I don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? You know. I just wanted to have fun out here, and, you know, we fought last night. I just... I feel really weird leaving like that. What do you mean? It was a great night. We... We ate food, we ran in the woods. It was fun. I just... Maybe I should stay out through Hanukkah. Mom's gone now, so there's really nothing for me to go back to. Stay, then! Stay! She can't stay. Because of your airline ticket. It's, like, the busiest time of year. We'll never get you a return flight. That's why I used my twin hunch in knowing that we would fight, and I have an open-ended ticket. Hanukkah! Hanukkah! Hanukkah! Hanukkah! He's going to be mad. I don't know where we parked the car. I don't know. I just want to go on with them because they look scared. I know if I was riding with them, they would... I know you say I weigh too much, but I don't think I do. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Okay, I'm ready! Let's go! Oh, my God! Oh, God! Look, I'm so sorry. I weigh too much. You were right! Gary... At least put a helmet on that thing. With your fancy friends I'm telling you it's got to be the end Don't bring me down No, no, no, no, no Ooh-ooh, hoo... What are you doing? Why can't I just lay with you? You're a weirdo! All right, welcome back to The Price Is Right. Let's find out who's next. Jill Sadelstein, come on down! You're the next contestant on The Price is Right. All right, Jill, go ahead and spin the wheel, whenever you're ready. You are the best, Drew. This is awesome, guys! Go ahead and... Are you married or not? Uh, no. Go ahead and... Whoo-whoo! Jill, go ahead and spin the wheel. No, because I know once I spin it, I don't get to be near you any more. On. All right. All right. Hey, Gary, Sofie. Come on, guys, one dollar! One dollar. Good luck to you. One dollar's the winner! Whoo! I never saw that before. Uh, hey, just give her a bunch of prizes. We'll be right back right after this. Don't go away. Call an ambulance. It banged me good. Then, when I hit the floor, that's when I really went out. But when I came to, it was good. They had prizes for me. Say hello to my little friend! Do you want to play rough? Okay. What is she doing now? I don't know... Whoa! It's hard to hold on. Please don't destroy my pool. I've got it now. I... Ow, my head! But it's such a waste. A full moon, an empty yacht. I'll throw up. I'll be. About the roadhouse... They have a Cuban band that's the berries. Let's go there, blindfold the orchestra, and tango till dawn. Do you know something, Mr. Fielding? What? You're dynamite. Daddy. You and Jill are so alike. We are nothing alike, I promise you. Well? I'm not quite sure. Would you try it again? Just watch the movie. I got a funny sensation in my toes. Like someone was barbecuing them over a slow flame. I think you're on the right track. WOMAN ON SCREEN I must be. Your glasses are beginning to steam up. Hello? Shh! Mrs. Applebaum. Hi. Yeah, no... What are you doing? It wasn't an emergency. I just wanted to see how my plants were doing. Please stop talking! Okay, and you turned the heat off? Turn off the phone. All the way off, though? Jill, Jill! Yeah, I can't hear her. I'm trying to... I'm on the phone. Well, get off the phone, you psycho! No, don't cry. You know what? Don't run away. You just... Don't go in the woods. Jill! I can't believe it. Hey! It's the last night of Hanukkah! Come on, already! It's happy time! Dude, way to yell at a chick. That's awesome. That was a chick? Yeah, that was a chick. Really. Hey! The brake. Hey, hey, I can do it! It's all right! I got it! I can do it! It's all right! Hey, I can do it. It's okay. It goes fast. I'm getting it on him. She's crazy. She's crazy. She's never leaving. Well, she was going to leave until you called her "psycho." She's forwarding her mail to us now! Highlights magazine. Birdy magazine addressed to Poopsie! Okay, okay. Did you ever think that maybe she's lonely and she needs someone to get her through the holidays'? She needs a guy. She needs a guy! No, no, no, no. If we don't get her a guy by New Year's, she's gonna come on the cruise ship with us. We'll be locked on a boat for seven days! I'll kill myself! Do not get involved in her love life. Aunt Jill, why don't you have any kids'? Gary, did you make your bed this morning? It's okay, Erin. You don't have to... I can tell him. Gary, I have all the equipment and it seems to be functioning well. I get a little reminder every 30 days or so. But the point is, Gary, I was never married. Why? Well, everyone loved your father. He was more of a gadfly. Me, I kept to myself, made sure Grandma and Grandpa were okay. But everybody loves Aunt Jill just as much as Daddy. Or more. Don't say that. Your father, he might act tough, but he has thin skin. You'd hurt his feelings. Aunt Jill, did you date boys'? I liked boys. They just, they... They never liked me back. My friend Mimi's mom dates boys she meets on the computer. Oh, I've heard of this. Yeah, I would do that. It's just, I don't know how to use a computer or a radar. Or a robot or whatever. Well, let's show her! Jack. No, no, no. Uh, Sofie's the one who brought it up. It's her. She did it. I would do it. I mean, what the heck'? It's no biggie. Let's go for it. I need a man. So many to choose from. Match.com. That's a good one. Uh, eHarmony, I've heard of. They have commercials. MySoul-Mate.net. I like that because I got a little soul. Okay, so it says to press here to register for your perfect soul mate. No't like that. No. Like this. What are you, a computer whiz? You would think he'd be the genius, being from India. Now, India's, uh, really amazing lately. They're just leading the pack. I read in Time magazine, they're number one. China's number two The Jews, we're back to number three. Okay. Four is Germany, so let's watch out, everyone. All right, all right, listen, you got to pick a username, Jill, so just do that. A username? Uh, how about Manilow? 'Cause he can use me anytime he wants to. Just kidding. I hope you didn't understand that. It's a little risqu for your age. Okay, now you load your profile picture that Sofie took of you. Mmm-hmm, can't wait to see this My picture is embarrassing. Put it up. Is it too va-va-voomish? No, it's very natural. Ah, maybe I should have gone with peanut butter and jelly. This... I like it, I like it. Forget it. I'm committing to it. So, what? If somebody likes me, the little envelope thing will be blinking? I just, I love this so much. I crave this, family time. It's why you have a family. A ham this good only comes once a generation. Like me. I give this ham four rings. That's a hell of a good ham right there. Whose idea was the wig? Oh, that was his choice. I think it's great that Shaq doesn't look like Shaq at all, that he looks like Al Sharpton on HGH. Ham-a-lam-a-ding-dong, ham-a-lam-a-ding-dong... Turn the TV off. So, how long does it take to get a response on one of those computer dating things'? I'm, uh, I'm new to this. I mean, it can take, it can take a day, it can take a week. You know what I mean? For someone like her... What was that? What was... Why'd you say, "like her"? Someone like her. Like, uh, in her 40s, still single. You know what I mean? Incredibly homely. Wow, you hate your job, don't you? No. I only said that 'cause you said that one time. I can say that 'cause I'm her twin. Hey, Jack, Laker game tomorrow night. We got to make that Pacino thing happen. Every bodys really nervous around here. Yeah, I know, I know. What's this about a twin? Oh, Jack. He has a twin sister. Are you kidding me? You never told me you had a twin sister No, no, I mean, she's... Identical or fraternal? Nocturnal, like a bat. Really? I'll pack my stuff up, man. How we doing in here? Hey, what happened? Aunt Jill checked to see if any boys liked her. The blinking thing never blinked. Oh, that's awful. If people could only see how good she can open a pickle jar... Yeah, I know. You're right. Okay, see you guys. Okay, where do I find desperate guys'? Twitter, Maxim, Craigs list. Oh, yeah. Casual Encounters. All right, savages, get ready. Anyone wanting to meet a nice... No, I need someone immediately. Not "nice." Um... Anyone wanting to meet a sexy gymnast model... No, I can't lie so much. Uh... A hot... Hi, Poopsie. Yeah, "hot" works. Crazy... Hey! Personal masseuse... Oh. I pull really hard. Watch your mother. She's going to have relief. Mmm-hmm. What happened? Is she sleeping or something? Knockout One dollar. Good luck to you. One dollar's the winner! Whoo! For the night of your life, go to Manilow at mySoul-Mate.net. Oh, man, I'm really throwing her to the wolves. But it has to be done. Wow. We're not going to tell anyone about this, are we'? Where were you? I trust you can keep a secret, kid! You guys! You guys! Are you sitting down'? I got over 100 responses on the computer! Whoa-ho-ho! Look at Miss Popular, all of a sudden. I mean, some of them are weirdoes, but some of them are so nice! I wrote one guy back, and we're going out tonight! Oh, my God! Whoa! I love it! Oh, my God! Yeah. I'm so scared. I don't know what I'm going to wear. Oh, I'll help you. I'll help you. I'm freaking out. I feel like Julia Roberts in that movie. Pretty Woman. No, no, no, the one where she's a hooker. What's the name of that one? Uh, Pretty Woman? No, no, no! Why are you saying that? No, the other one. What's the matter with you? What's she going to wear? What are you going to wear, Daddy'? In Hell. Shut up. This is like waiting for the queen. Yeah, yeah. Well, let's see what's taking her so long. Go up there, speed her along. Come on, go, go, go. I'm answering it! Funbucket's here! Funbucket? Oh, tell him I'm not ready! Tell him I'm not home! She'll be right down. No! No, it won't zip! It won't zip! HEY- HEY... Are you Funbucket? Yeah, that's me. You don't look like a Funbucket. I was picturing someone more fun or buckety. You're not the crazy, hot masseuse, are you? I want you to tell me right up front, 'cause if you are, I'm not paying for dinner. Come here. If you mention Craigslist to her or do anything that hurts her, I will stick my foot... Funbucket? Manilow? Somewhere in the night, we will know Everything lovers can know You're my song Music too magic to end I'll play you over and over... So, yeah, you know what? I'll be up-front with you. I live in the Bronx and I don't have any children. In all honesty, the clock's ticking, so if dinner works, we got to get to work. I'm kidding you. I just said that 'cause I'm very nervous right now and I just keep talking so much. My mouth is moving. I don't even realize how much it's moving. It's... I'm not even feeling it. It's cottony. So, is this your first date on mySoul-Mate.net? Yes. Assuming it's really happening and not some sort of terrifying nightmare. I know. What do you do for a living'? Don't tell me. I don't want... I want to play 20 Questions. Remember that game? When we were little? 20 Questions? Okay, first question. Animal, mineral... I'm going to go to the bathroom. Okay... See you. Um, should I take away your salads? Oh, I think he's just waiting for his to cool off. So, we'll just, um... Just a few more minutes. Thank you. Hello? Hello? Funbucket? Funbucket? Hello? He must have gone out to get some air. Good job. You're alive! How did it go? Oh, it was... It was fine. He didn't try anything funny with you, did he'? No, no. Does he want to go out again? Is he your prince? Are you his princess? Did he ask for your number? Did he kiss you good night? Oh, will you kids stop it already? It was just a date! Why do you put so much pressure on me? Why are there so many stairs? I miss your old chandelier! No one's ever going to love me! I'm a loser! Oh, my God, I'm an idiot. Why? Why are you an idiot? Busted, disgusted, never to be trusted. Hi, Jill. It's okay, it's... We've all had bad dates. Whatever. He was such a... I thought he was cool for a second. Jack feels like you deserve to go out with a guy who treats you right. So guess who is taking you to the Lakers game tomorrow night. Hairfingers23 from the computer? No, actually, I'm your date. I love that, Pagogo! Ook maga do do! That sounds great. Finally some twin time. Oh, pali wali, zoom gali gali. That means, "I want to choke on my own vomit." Does it? L... I'm a little rusty. I don't remember everything. Oh, my God, look at these guys. They're huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're too big. It's freaky. Will you stop'? It's weird. Stop it. No, it's... Where do they buy pants'? Just please keep walking. I'm sorry. It's like nuclear-power-plant big. That's... That's big. John, we're so close here. Hey. You got us in the game. What's, uh... What's going on with the beard, man'? I'm doing research. I don't want to be recognized, okay'? Who is that? Hey, Jill, don't go nuts, but I'm gonna try and talk to Al Pacino. It's Pacino! Al Pacino, the movie actor? Yes, yes, stay calm. What do you think people are thinking here, that I'm sitting with my rabbi? Hey, guys, big game tonight. Yeah. How you doing, Johnny'? How are you? Huge fan. Good to see you. Thank you. And, uh, Mr. Pacino, I actually met you one time at a movie premiere. He's thirsty. Okay... It was Cats & Dogs 3, and we were sitting in the same row. One of your kids knocked over your popcorn, and I gave you mine. And you called me "Popcorn" the rest of the night. Popcorn. Yes. Yeah, nice to see you again. Hey, what's with the beard? You look a little like Bin Laden. I was kind of thinking Castro, myself. Yeah. No, no, it's like the cough drops guy, the Smith Brothers. Who is that? Is that your wife'? No, no, no, that's my sister Jill. She's in from the Bronx. Hey, Al, do you think you'd ever... Dulcinea. What's that? You're from the Bronx? Yeah, born and bred. Throggs Neck, the nice part. Al, I got a question for you, and I know it's a long shot. Well, I'm from the Bronx. Oh, okay. Did you know that? Yeah, to be honest, I don't know much about you. I haven't seen a lot of your movies, but I hear you're very serious. Well, you know... Okay. Hey, is Ryan Seacrest here? Have you seen him? Do you know him? I'm sorry, who-crest? Al, would you ever consider doing a... Eh, who is your friend? Was he in Duran Duran? Were you in Duran Duran? Yes. Yes, I was. So, tell me, how long are you gonna be in L.A.? Oh, my God. Is that John Stamos? Who? Pagogo, Pagogo, let's go before he gets away! I want to see him up close! Please! Oh, so, Al, I'm gonna get a hold of your agent, if that's cool. Time to play ball. When's the marching band come out? Uh, that's not going to happen. No? Here we go. Here we go. Kobe Bryant! Compliments of Mr. Pacino. What's this? I can't believe this. This is insane, man! You got to call him! Oh, cool your buns. You know I'm still hurting from the whole Funbucket fiasco. No, but Pacino liked you! I swear to God, he really liked you! Oh, will you stop already? You know all he wants to do is play Twister with your sister. Jill, will you just do this for me? You know, maybe I'll be ready to date again in a few weeks. We'll sit and talk about it on New Year's. New Year's? But you're not gonna be here on New Year's, 'cause that's after our birthday. Which is when you're leaving. Yeah. Uh, I guess so. So, if New Year's comes up... Mmm-hmm. Just tell Jill that one more passenger on the cruise ship, it'll sink. I'm not telling her that. Tell her... You got to tell her something. I'm not having her come to Europe. It's the kids' first trip. Hey, how are we doing in here? It's 6:32. Forty-three years ago at this very time, you were born. Happy birthday, Number One. Okay, thank you. Aw, happy birthday, you guys. Okay. No, no, no, not yet, not yet! I wasn't born yet. I'm 6:33. I'm still 42, Erin. Oh, God. So how does it feel, old man? Getting rickety in the bones? I'm so bummed that you're leaving tomorrow. I'm going to miss you. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. I'm going to miss... I'm going to miss you guys, too. Especially on New Year's. Get the violins going, yeah. It's just, every year, I'd go with Mom to Valentino's. It's the restaurant, Erin, where my mother met my father. Oh, I knew that was going to be big. Don't throw it out. We can make a birthday candle with it. Hey, we're only I hope they sing Happy Birthday to us. Yeah, I hope we still have our table there, Slick. Why is it so dark in here? Are we going to get killed or something'? Surprise! Oh, my God. Jack, we got you. You are having a party for us? Oh, coolness! Every bodys here. And I just had to meet your twin sister. Very nice to see you. I mean, you guys really do look alike. I say that all the time. He says no. Jill, I want to introduce you around. This is going to be a bad night. This is going to be an awful, awful night. Really, it's fascinating. So, how does it work, Mr. Subway Sandwich? Just, well, just tell me more. Just Jared's fine. Call you Jared? Okay, sure. It's just, To me, that seems too much, almost like a job. I couldn't do that. I don't eat that many. No? Okay, okay, here's the situation. You're here, there's not a Subway in sight. You're at a steakhouse like this. What do you eat? What do you eat'? I eat other things. Oh, you do'? You do'? I knew you were cheating. That's why there's so much goo left on you. What? I miss the old Jared, the 400-pound Jared that scared us. I don't miss that one at all. Well, I'm sure you don't. But if he was around, he'd be with me and not with the two hookers. Well, yeah, we love musicals. You know what? You're the Sham-Wow man, right? Yeah. Funny story. - Uh, Jack used to be a bed-wetter. - No! He could have used one of these Sham-Wow things his pee puddles. Oh, there's Mr. Yellow Sheets! Where you going, Puddles? All right, nice to meet you all. Am I crazy or is she hot? You're crazy. It's Jack with boobs. Jack with boobs. That's right. There he is! Dude, did you set this whole thing up'? Yeah, we got through it, man. It came out pretty dope, I think. It's amazing. Hey, Jill. I'm sorry to interrupt. Come here for a sec. Okay, nice to see you. What's going on? Did I ever tell you Todd is an atheist? A what? Oh, God. Have a great time, guys. No. How could there be a Grand Canyon if God didn't exist? Right. That's a very good point. I'm just saying, you know, maybe... Maybe God wouldn't have given you a rat face if you believed in him. I don't have a rat face. Yes, you do have a rat face! It's scary. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This guy doesn't believe in God? No! No, no, I'm just saying that there's not real proof. Idiots like you really make me mad! Fight! Fight! Fight him! Fight! Fight! Fight! Because I'm about to US Open your skull! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Happy birthday to you Happy birth... Happy birthday, dear Jack... And Jill Happy birthday to you Come on, make a wish, you twins. Okay, let's do it. Where's the other cake? There's not enough candles for both of us. All right, Jill. One cake's enough. Make the wish. Mom and Dad always got us two cakes. Made us both feel special. I don't think Mom and Dad would like this. Make the wish already! I'm hungry! Will you stop already? Blow out the candles. Whoa! Funny meeting you here. Don't be startled. It's only me. It's always the same thing. It's L.A. I never know where I am. It's a wilderness here. I mean, in the Bronx, you got the streets, you got the numbers. You got 187th, 188th. Yeah, right, in order. It follows in sequence. Here, you got the palm trees, and they all look alike. I have no idea where we are. You really don't? I don't. Lucky... Lucky for us, I got the panic button. You have a panic button? Yeah, and we'll soon find out where we are, huh? There we go. That's a house. That's not a bakery. Whether we go in a bakery, a house, what difference does it make? It makes a difference! What do you mean? There's a bakery in the house. Get out of town! Come on. I'm not going to your house. I want to see a birthday cake soon or I'm taking pepper spray out. I'm not kidding. O ye of little faith. What is that, a Shakespeare'? No, that was Jesus. Okay, birthday girl. Oh, my God. Here it is. You name it, Xavier, my guy, will bake it. Oh, my God! Look, I made her happy. I love this! made you happy... To dream the impossible dream Nutcracker. No. That? That's, uh, Man of La Mancha. They offered me the part of Don Quixote on Broadway. Ooh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. But, you know, I'm just, uh, I'm not there yet, so I'm mulling it over, you know? I love that. That's where the, uh, man's in the tower ringing the bell'? That's Quasimodo. That's Hunchback of Notre-Dame. See, this is Don Quixote. Don Quixote meets this, uh, fallen woman who he thinks is his lost love Dulcinea. Right. And he can't straighten his back, so he keeps ringing the bell. And he has a sidekick. It was a mouse. Okay, moving on. Listen, Bronx, I got a birthday surprise for you. Another one? Yeah. It's my original stickball stick. Oh. Come with me a second. Let me just eat some cake. This is so good. Leave it. You've been eating enough. We really have to stop now? Xavier! Oui, monsieur? Ha! He's going to throw the ball, and you are going to take this stick with two hands, right? And you're going to hit it. Do I have to play this weird game? It's not weird. Jill, it's in you. It's in your DNA. Just think Bronx. Let it just float. Okay, okay, okay... Can you do me a favor and not hold me like this? All right. I'm just trying to show you. Okay, all you got to do is make contact, that's all. I feel like this is your game and it's not my game. If you want to play my game, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Sabaday. Do you have that here? That's coming. Goobledy gibble globbity! What language are you speaking? Just throw it. Oui, oui. Okay. Come on, no batter here, pitcher! No batter! I just don't know why we're doing this. Oh! Whoa! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I am so sorry! I'm sure you have others, though. Uh, you'd think it, but, uh, oddly enough, I don't. But I have you. You don't have me. I... I'd rather have you. I'm sorry. I'm going to go. I just... I had fun, but I'm so tired. It's 8:30 in the morning, my time. Do you know what time it is for me? It is time for my salvation. Because finally, I found the one woman, with all her rough-hewn charm, who will lead me back... to sanity. You're sick. You're a sweetie. I saw what you were doing with the stick and it was gross. Thank you, Sabaday. Wait a minute, where do you think you're going? I'm not your wham-bam-eggs- and-ham type. But you don't have a car. Why are you ignoring me? What happened to me? What's this? Help me! Where were you? What do you mean? I was here, bird. Felipe. Miss Jill? What you doing out here'? I stayed out here because I didn't want to go in the house. And Erin tried to make me come back in and I wouldn't. He yelled at me 'cause I rejected Al Pacino. Well, if you need something to do, I'm just fixing the timer and heading off to a big family picnic. We play soccer, eat, steal white people's wallets... What did you say? I'm kidding! I'm kidding! We don't eat. Oh, stop it. Why won't you help me? What are you doing? Put Poopsie down! It flew in my bread. Hey, Rosa! This is my friend, Jill. Hi. That's my father, my mama, my brother Juan, my other brother Juan, Juan Jr., my sister Juanita, my grandma Juangelina, and that... I'm kidding! I was going to say, that's a lot of Juans! We're not all named Juan. Hey, nios! Look, these are my kids. Jos, Jos Jr. Y Josefina They are beautiful. Hi. Hi. They all look like my wife, thank God. Your wife'? I need to meet her. Where is she? Well, she passed away four years ago. I'm so sorry. I lost my mother recently. No, that's all right. I love talking about my wife. And I know she's up there sneaking into Heaven right now. It's a joke! It's a joke! Your father's bad. He's bad! He's very bad! Ready for the best Mexican food you ever had'? I never had Mexican food. What? I'm sorry. It's not my fault. Uh, they don't serve it at my deli. Well, today is your lucky day. Okay... Taste. Cool. WOW! That's chile relleno. It looks like a knish. Never had Mexican food. It's very, very good. I'm kidding. Are you okay'? Yeah, I'm fine. Heads up. What is this thing? No, no, no, no, no, no! It's too hot. Just like you. Oh, Felipe, easy. Come on, Jill! Come on! Get Jill out there! Come on, Jill, run! Run! Jalapeos. Jalapeos. Okay, this is yours. What happened? Jalapeos! Jalapeos! Jalapeos? Did I get it? Jalapeos. Go! Run! Shoot that! Shoot that! Goal! Whoa! It's not a guy. Felipe, I love it! Hey, hey, hey. Hey, Mr. Popcorn. Is that Al Pacino? Are you kidding me? How you doing? Listen, I got a little something here for Ms. Sadelstein. My God, she's not here right now. Oh, that's our loss, isn't it? Have you any idea when she might be coming home'? Hopefully soon. You know what, I hope so. I'm waiting on her, too. And I wanted to tell you, Al, if she wasn't receptive the other night... Oh, my God! I know she's in here, Popcorn. How'd you get over the fence? Jill, come on! You want me to get you something to eat or... All I want to do is make you happy! Uh-huh. I want to see you. I want to know that you exist. That I'm not just imagining you! Al, she really isn't here. Uh, for real This it? Yeah. She sleeps here? She does. She sleeps there. Ooh, God, sorry you have to see that. She sleeps with someone? No, no, no, no, that's a bird. That's not a human. No problems. Look at this. Isn't that something? Yeah. How does this happen? Al, I wouldn't lay there. That's not, uh... She leaves an after-scent. Hey, Popcorn, you know, you're not really giving me any confidence here. About what? Where is she? Al, I don't know where... Where you hiding her? She's coming back, she just is not here right... Hey, Jill! Lot of places to hide. Hey, Jill! Al, she's coming back, I swear to you. She got an 8:00 flight tonight, so I promise. What? She's leaving'? Uh... Come here. Come to you? Yeah, come, come. We gotta talk. Yeah. You want to turn my name into some coffee-drink chocolate-doughnut thing'? Well, yeah. Tastefully, though. I think... Then you get me the girl. Get you the girl? Get me the girl. "Get" is a strong word. 'Cause this is my sister we're talking about. You don't understand! Well, I want to understand. You don't understand! Go ahead, go ahead. Tell me what I need to know. Your sister and I... Yeah? We grew up on the same streets. We breathed the same Bronx air. Yes, yes, yes. When I look at her, I see me. When I look at her, I see me, too. Just... I know what you mean. I see what I was. I'm lost, Popcorn. I am. I go visit my kids, I can't find them. Lend up talking to lemon trees. You know what? I'm lost now. What does... Jill... Yes? Is going to get me there. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want a shot. You understand? Let's get you a shot. Right. Only way to get you a shot is to have my sister stay even longer out here, which is amazing news for me. It's so warm to be the holiday season. But thank you. I really had an amazing time. Too bad you're taking off tonight. I... Well, I have to. He's abusive to me. Not physically, 'cause I would hurt him, but mentally. And, it's time to go. I know. Maybe next time you're... Maybe next time you're here, if you ever... Yes? That's... What? If I ever what? Well, maybe next time you're here, if... Your engine... Your engine seems to be... It's a diesel truck, I'm guessing, right'? No. Uh... If you ever want to see a movie or something... Oh, my God. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just hold the thought. I have... I have to go! I have to really go! What did I say'? Oh, no, it's not you, it's the chimichangas! They're making a run for the border! Oh, you're throwing chimichanga bombs? Oh! Oh, God! Jill, where were you? Aw, she's not talking to us still, I guess. I am not talking to you! I am talking to Erin! Erin, I got to go make some chocolate squirties! Oh, God! Oh! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Oh, please get there. Yes. Hey, Jill, can I talk to you for a second? No! My bags are packed and there's nothing left to... ...say. I spent the day at Felipe's picnic, where I finally felt welcome. By everybody. I tried this new food for the very first time. I'm guessing Mexican? Yes, Mexican, Mr. Food Detective! And Felipe treated me like a... What, is Evel Knievel doing wheelies in there? Hey, so I just wanted to talk to you about last night and everything, and... Oh, my God. Wow, I, uh... I was thinking about last night and all that stuff you were saying, and... Are you hot or something? I just have to, uh... God Almighty! I would love for you to stay a few extra days. No, I'm going home. I already told them to turn my electricity back on. You can't be alone on... You can't be alone on New Year's. Come on, that's just not right. You want me to stay that long'? I thought you were going on your big cruise. Jill, I want you to come on the cruise with us. Pagogo, I can't believe it. Of course I'll come with you. Thank you! Yes! I mean, of... You want... Yes! Yes! Oh... Oh, my God! Poopsie, Poopsie, we're cruising through Europe! Welcome to Royal Caribbean International. Vacation, all I ever wanted Vacation, had to get away Oh, Poopsie, we're not in the Bronx any more. This boat has everything! Oh, my God! Hello? What took you so long to pick up'? Jack, Pacino's called here three times. What do you want me to tell the Dunkin' Donuts people, all right'? We got five days, Jack, to get Scarface or they move on. I know, I know. Oh, my God! There's a pool on a boat? Do you want me to get AI Pacino on the phone now'? Tell Pacino I'll call him tonight at 5:30, okay'? And just one more thing. Yeah, what? God told me your feet were on my desk, so get them off! All you can eat. Go for it, Poopsie. Have a chocolate bath. Where were you? Oh! All right, it's 5:30. I got to make a call. To who? Uh, I got one last business call to make and then that's it for me. I love you. Be back. Amongst this princely heap, if any here, by false intelligence... Hold me a foe if I unwittingly... or in my rage, committed aught that is hardly borne by any in this princely presence, I do reconcile myself to his friendly peace. 'Tis death to me to be at enmity, and desire all good men's love. Where were you, Popcorn? What do you mean? It's 5:30. No, no, it's 9:30 my time. I was waiting for you at 5:30. Oh, it's four hours the other way. I just... I got confused. I... Okay, whatever, whatever, whatever. What's going on? How's she doing'? We're, uh, we're, uh, we're coming along. That's how we're doing. Coming along? What does that mean, "coming along"? - What does that mean? - Come on, wrap it up! It means we're getting there. We just need a little more time. Put her on the phone. I want to hear her voice. Ah, she's not here right now. This reminds me of that boat movie with Leonardo. - Titanic? - No, the one with the iceberg. Who is that? That was, uh, Poopsie. Why won't you let me talk... Hey, can you... You got to be quiet. I can't hear him! All right? Please. Please! Yeah, listen, you get me this girl, or you don't get that Dunkaccino commercial, you understand? Don't you know me? Don't you know I would use all my power, all the power I have, to keep a commercial like that from happening'? Don't you know that? Is he seriously breaking out The Godfather? I swear to God, I'm going to cry. Put her on! Put her on! Pacino! Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. Hang on for a second. I'll put her on. Hello'? Jill, my darling, just to hear your voice. What are they doing? Why are they trying to keep us apart? Nobody's keeping me apart from anybody. I'm my own person. You remember that. Oh, I know you're your own person. Nobody's like you. Uh... Would you like a little privacy? I could finish up for you. No, no, it's okay. It's okay. Nobody wants to see you. But thanks, anyway. Jill. Can you meet me when you dock in Spain'? But what about your Shakespeare show'? Don't you have that to do? You kidding? This is L.A. They got Bruce Jenner playing Lord Rivers. Yeah, I don't think so. Darling, put your brother on. Okay. Here he is. Hello. Jack's back. Popcorn, we did it! We did it! I'm coming, I'm coming to get her! You're coming to get her? She just said, "I don't think so," I thought. I can smell horny across an ocean. Here's how it's going to go down. top deck, portside. I'll be there. Audience, could you tell me where I was? "But he, poor soul." But he, poor soul, by your first order died. Good afternoon, passengers. Hope you all are enjoying our Royal Caribbean activities. And for those of you going ashore later, we will be arriving in beautiful Majorca by sunset. Come on, sweetie. Go! Jump! Jump! Oh, no, no, she's good. Pagogo, why don't these guys know how to jump rope? Why didn't you teach them? We were the double dutch kings in our neighborhood, and these guys can't do a single wing-ding. Daddy, you know how to jump rope'? No, I don't know how to jump rope Your father likes to pretend his life started in California. We were champs. Everyone loved us in the neighborhood. Come on, Daddy, please. No. No, no. Bring it over here! CiCi, Rodney, kick it! Get up here. Get up here. I, uh... Do it, do it. Yes! Let's go! Come on! Here's the twin power. Bring it! Oh, my God. Okay. WOW! Do "The Mummy." Come on, turn up the heat. It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme That's right on time It's tricky, tricky, huh! I That was all your father. That was you! You were great, Pokee. Now she's Pokee? She's always been Pokee. I was thinking, tonight, portside, you could go on that deck, check out the stars, put on something gorgeous, 'cause there might be a handsome surprise waiting for you. Oh, really? You going to introduce me to my Mr. Right? Uh, maybe. Oh, really? It's not Al Pacino, is it? Why, is it Al Pacino? No, no, it's not. 'Cause that would just hurt me at this point. But it's not, so... Treating me like some sort of prosti-twin, that's bad. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not, all right? All right! Then why are you getting so angry? Why are you so annoying? What? Jack! Why would you say that? We were just having fun! We never have fun when you're around! I'm sorry! Oh, no, no! You... This is you, man! This is on you! Go, go! You're out of your mind! You're out of your mind! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Let's see. Pit stain. Pit stain. I don't know what that is. Okay, clean. You tell anybody, I will fry you up and eat you. Huh'? Yeah. All right, where is he, man? He said portside, I'm portside. Where am I supposed to be? Cheesecake! Huh! Oh! Holy crap! Just climb on the ladder, there! Don't you think maybe you should land that thing? That would be easier for me! It's safer to hover! WOW! Yeah! Whoa! Xavier, look at her go! Ho! Lam back! Ah... Seorita, I was gone too long? No, not at all. It's, uh... Really good to see you again. So, what is different about you tonight? I don't know. Nothing. No, no, no, no. There's something... Did you drop some weight'? Maybe that's it. Yeah, I'm looking thinner. Yeah, I think so. That's probably what you're seeing. I think you're more feminine or something. A little more... Less muscular. I don't agree, but, uh... Okay. Gloobledy globble bibbly blop. Blobbledobble... gibbledy blip. Hibbledy globb, shoelace This is the heavy, hard stuff or how are we doing here? What is this? One for the lady. Qu lindo! That's enough for me. Who's Poopsie? I keep hearing, "Poopsie, Poopsie." Poopsie is my bird. Ah? I used to raise pigeons. Really? Yeah. No, I'm sorry. That was Brando. Oh! Are you ticklish? No. Oh! I said I'm not, so... No, no, it's just that Stella Adler, the great acting teacher, once wrote in a book, the only way you can really get to know somebody is if you, uh, watch their behavior when they're being tickled. Would you do me the honor and just lift up those girlie arms'? I just haven't shaved under there in many, many years. You don't want to see that. We're in Europe. It doesn't matter. I think even here, they might be, like, "What is that?" No, no, not here. Give me a try. Okay, so, here we go. Oh, my God. Ah! Look at us. All right! Stop it! What? What was that? Just... I don't really... I didn't like that. I'm sorry. That was powerful. And it just came out of you like, "Boom!" You know, what? We're better with just... Oh! Whoa. Whoa! I don't even know where Jack is right now. He's avoiding me. That's where he is. Can I work in with you guys? Sure. Knock yourself out. I think he hates 'cause I talk so much. It bothers him, you know? But when I'm in the Bronx, I have no one else to talk to but Poopsie, so when I'm around other humans, I... I tend to blab a lot. No, you don't. I do, I do. Will you throw a couple more 45s on'? Erin, he was being so nice to me, and then I had to bring up the Pacino thing, because. I don't know. I do that. It's just 'cause I'm insecure, you know'? I feel like the only reason he brought me on this cruise is for some Pacino-related shenanigans and it just gets in my head. He told me he wanted you to come on this cruise because he didn't want you to spend your first New Year's Eve without your mom alone. He said that? Yeah. Oh, my God, that means so much to me. Why didn't I use my twin powers to know that? Do they not work when you're out of the country'? Maybe they don't. That's why he was mad! 'Cause he was being good to me, and I... I did what I did and I'm a jerk, and I have to call him. And I'm gonna straighten the whole family vacation out, - I promise. This is so cool! - Push! Push! Push harder! I was pushing it! Hey! Hey! All right! Al Pacino! Al, Al Pacino! Al Pacino! Now you got it! All right, let's have... Here you go! Boom! Ah, yeah! Oh, I always come on the short end of that. I'm getting a call. Hello. Hello? Hello? I don't understand. Are you mocking my voice right now'? No, no, no, I'm not. I... I can't talk right now. Okay, don't talk, then. Just listen. I just want to tell you I'm sorry. I'm... I'm the reason we're fighting right now. And... And I never thank you enough for doing all you do for me, so thank you. Who is that, your brother? Yeah. Who is that, Jack? That's, uh... It's... It's nobody! Hey, Popcorn, we're having fun here! Are you with Al Pacino? No, no, I'm not! I just... I said I can't talk right now, weirdo! Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing. I said I can't talk, so I'm hanging up! Jack, speak in your regular voice or I'll know the real reason why you brought me on this cruise. I can't always do what you want when you want it! Bye! I mean, come on! Hey, what's Popcorn's problem'? Mayor McCheesy doesn't like his new script'? Oh, get over yourself. My brother's very good at what he does. He's going to write a book one day, you'll see. Oh, yes, he's an author. I forgot, that's right. He's got a whole novel in him about Desenex foot powder. Ooh! Oh! So funny. Okay. Yes. Oh, that's the Bronx girl coming back. Now, you take back what you said about Pagogo! Go ahead, do it. Defend the honor of that self-deluded, sycophantic, bitter hack. Are you okay? Get off of me. Okay. It's not okay. I'm sorry. I know... What could I do? You know, you had that, uh... You had a broken bottle and were coming at me. Yeah, yeah, well, get away from me. All right. Just let me breathe for a second. I just... I need my own space. Back up. Okay, all right, I'm backing up. Back up! All right! Oh, geez. Hey... You don't hit a girl with a chair on the first date! It's amazing the way you stick up for your brother. It's just... Well, I got to do that. Don't I at least owe him that? 'Cause all I ever do is take things from him and ruin things and... Well, that's his point of view, you know. I mean, that's the way he makes you see yourself. You want to know what I see? Yes, I want to know what you see. You can get any girl in the world, and why would you want me? Answer that. It makes no sense. Well, I see an angel with a broken wing. I see a brother who all he got all his life was everything. All the glory, all the accolades, everything since they were two. I... I see a girl who wants recognition but just never gets it, yet she has a heart so big, she finds happiness in seeing her brother receive it all. Yeah, yeah, but come on, aren't I a pain in the butt? I mean, don't I annoy everybody? You got so much love in you, Jill, so much to give. You just need someone to give it to. To dream The impossible dream To fight The unbeatable foe To bear with unbearable sorrow Dulcinea. Dulci-what-a'? You are Dulcinea from the Broadway play they offered me and I am the Man of La Mancha. Oh. You got me there. I'm taking the part! What about my brother? What do I do? What do I say'? Ah, your brother. Oh, I don't know there's much you can do about him. I mean, not that he doesn't love you. He loves you, I'm sure, but it's a kind of deathbed love, the kind of love he'll look back on when it's too late. Hey, listen, I'm gonna do Man of La Mancha. No, no, no, I got to fix it. I got to fix it now, now I got to fix it. Hey, where are you going? Back to the ship. Would you stay if I did your brother's commercial'? Oh, the heck with that commercial. I'm going to see my womb-mate. Come on, come on, pick up the phone. You have reached the voice mailbox of... What is this? How do you... To leave a voice message, press one. Oh, God. Jill! Jill, open up! Jack? Um, what are you wearing? You were with Al Pacino, weren't you? Wow, you're good. Jill was right. You are a weirdo. I know I am. Where is she? Where's Jill? She went home, and nowl know why. She went home? Oh, God, what am I going to do? Good-bye, good-bye Good-bye, my love I can't hide Can't hide Can't hide what has come Happy New Year! Happy New Year! I have to go And leave you alone But always know Always know Going in alone is fine, Mom, and I'm not alone. I'm with you. Good-bye Good-bye Hey, well, guess what, I'm not wearing underwear. It's New Year's Eve. Let's have some fun. Yo, you guys. Is that Jill Sadelstein? She was absolutely the biggest loser in our high school. I mean, didn't she marry that bird and move to the jungle? OMG, she's here alone tonight. The loserness continues. Hey, Jill. Oh, hey! Happy New Year, guys Where you been hiding, hon? I was visiting my brother for Thanksgiving, and he... I just decided to stay out there with him for a while. Yeah, he must have loved that. For your information, Carol, he begged me to stay, but I'm just too exhausted from being on game shows and dating movie stars. Oh, who'd you hook up with, Rob Schneider? I like him. God, you're hot. You know, I don't like to kiss and tell, but I was with Sir Al Pacino for a whole night. Aw, honey, it must not have worked out since you're all alone tonight. Yeah. Aren't you'? She's not alone. She's with her family. Jack? Jill. What are you doing here? That's Jack. I just... I realized there's something that I... I want to tell you so much. I just... I don't know how to say... What? Ook maga do do, Pokee. Oh, my God. Ook maga do do blarda, blarda, blarda. Mama Pandoree bon Papa Pandoree long bada-bada. Bada-Bada, I know. Pagogo Tu lray Nah ee Pokee Para mee. But most important, Bongi Bongi que Mahjongee. Of course, I love those guys. Bongi para rumpernickel pumpernickel. That's freaking beautiful. It's just Just beautiful. Para Kaya! Ook maga do do. Coodlee me, coodlee me. I'm so happy, so happy... Thank you. So, what, are you, like, his wife? Is that Monica? Yeah. Hi, I'm... I'm Erin. Nice to meet you. Well, I guess he settled for second best. Because I dumped his sorry butt in high school. Yes, I did. Don't worry, Erin. They used to call her "The Cheese Tray" 'cause she got passed around at all the parties. Oh, we're getting busy. I'm right here. What are you doing? What did I do? Don't you touch my sister-in-law. Knock her out, Jill, knock her out! Oh, my God! You okay? Oh! Muleteers! Prepare to do battle. Oh, my God, is that Colonel Sanders? Al, what is this? Why do you look like that? He... He's doing Man of La Mancha now, so he always stays in character. Milady. Al, I'm so sorry. I thought I made it clear, we're not meant to be. Pokee, Klapa! It's... It's not you, it's me. Dulcinea. Yes? Your purity befits a knight more worthy than I. Go to him. He waits for you. Pagogo, where's the knight? You'll just have to see Jill, come on. There's a knight? Oh, my God, there's a knight? Yeah, yeah. There's a knight! There's a knight! Ah! It's a foul monster! Ah! Al, that's a ceiling fan. No, it's a whirling, five-arm beast. What is this? What? Oh. - She's going to show up. - Wha... What the... Felipe, what is this? I don't understand. What is going on here'? What is happening? What... Felipe, how did you do this? What? This is... Jill. Hi, guys, hi. What are you doing here? Jill, before you left, what I was trying to tell you, while you were dropping chimichanga bombs... That was awful, I'm sorry. Is that you make me feel like, like I just climbed out of the trunk of my cousin's car after driving 1,100 miles across the border. Huh? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I was going to say, "He's ruining the mood," but... Yeah. But not about you. What? I love you, Jill. I... I love you. You love me? Yeah, I love you. Somebody loves me. I love you, Jill. Will you convert to Judaism for me? What? I'm kidding! I'm kidding! Oh, Felipe! I love you, Jill. All right, all right, he said he loved you. Don't kill him! Come on! I love you. What are you doing? Jack, jump in here and lay with me. - Lay with me. - Oh, just lay with Felipe. Can't you do that'? Something's brewing at D'in' D. WOW! Al Pacino! It's not Al any more, it's Dunk. Dunk Accino? Don't mind if I do. What's my name? Dunkaccino It's a whole new game Dunkaccino You want creamy goodness, I'm your friend Say hello to my chocolate blend Attica, hoo-wah, latte lite This whole trial is out of sight They pulled me back in with hazelnut, too Caramel swirl... l know it was you Everyone wants my Dunkaccino Can't get enough of my Dunkaccino Kids from seven to seventeen-0 Lining up for my Dunkaccino What's my name? Dunkaccino A-Dunka-Dunka Dunka-Dunka-Dunkaccino And, boom, there you have it. It's actually 32 seconds, so I got to lose two seconds. Maybe you can tell me what, what part you would lose, but I think we are getting there. Burn this. I'm sorry? This must never be seen by anyone. If you didn't like all those close-ups, we can, we can... This is not the final cut. There's no doubt, we can, we can... All copies. Destroy them. You want me to play it again? Has anybody seen this? Nobody has seen this. They have to be found and talked to. All right, to be honest, I showed my wife. She couldn't believe... No good, no good. So I used to be fatter, and so what he would do... Picture him way bigger, like... So what would happen is we'd get together on Thanksgiving. He'd kind of gather the family around, and, and so I would have to go, "This is me before Ultra Slim Fast." "And this is me now!" And everybody would laugh at him and he'd go cry in the other room. I'm Larry, this is my brother Dave. We used to be triplets, but he ate the other one. Let me tell you, I don't, I don't really like getting into fights with him because I really... I don't like closing my fist on him, so when we get into fights, we look like sissies when we fight each other. You know, 'cause I don't, I don't really like... It's kind of that... The schoolyard fight when you see two girls. She's my baby girl, she knows that. We're like a husband-and-wife relationship. We fight and then we come together. That's sick, okay? I mean, not in a sick way. You shouldn't say that like that, that's sick. Not in a sick way. I don't like my brother. I have a deep, intense dislike for my brother. He's a bad guy. I know what the problem is. He didn't say anything about it, did he? He don't like the mustache 'cause he can't grow one. Well, usually, when we celebrate a birthday, usually it's more than one cake. It's four cakes. It's usually four. Yeah. It's usually four cakes. There's right hand, left hand, right hand, left hand. Or one for me and one for him and two for his girlfriend. Yeah, yeah. She was actually living in L.A. And I was in Kentucky doing the race at that moment. I was tired. Yeah. 'Cause I did not train properly. And I started feeling, like, these pains or something like that, and it was, like, weird, so... So, yeah. I mean, that's my part of, like, ESPN or ESP. Whatever it's called. It's ESP. Okay, whatever. ESPN is the network for sports. You figure it out. Well, you know, I'm married, so... Yeah, we don't have girl issues. Yeah, well, I... Sometimes, though, I do try to hook him up with someone. I mean, if they come up to me and they're like, they like me, I'm like, "Oh, sorry," and then I'm like, "Hey, look at this guy, though." And so, I mean, he's kind of like the backup twin. I don't care, I take it. I said, "Look, dude, I don't think I can..." "I don't think I can go on this date," "but I can't, can't break the date." "'Cause, you know, it's got to happen," "it's got to happen tonight." I said, "Well, Rog, you know..." You said... What'd you... What'd you tell me? "How does the girl look? How does she look?" I said, "Dude, she's a 10, she's hot." "She's hot?" "She's hot." I said, "Well, you know, send me." "I'll put, I'll put her on ice for the night, you know." "Send me out, I'll make sure everything's good for you," "you know, and you'll be good to go next week." So I did. He went out with the girl. It was smooth, right? She... I think she fell in love with him on the first date. What's funny is, my brother ended up dating this girl for, like, four... What, like three and a half years? Yeah, it was like three and a half years. She never knew we switched on the very first date. She said, "The best time of my life was the first date." There you go. I was like, "Oh, come on." Growing up with long hair, full Afros. Oh, yeah, fine, with some platform shoes, something you'd remember. You stole my good pair. All right, let's move, let's move. It's tricky, it's tricky Tricky, tricky, tricky It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time It's tricky T-T-T- Tricky, tricky, tricky It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time It's tricky, tricky, huh! I Ah! The best thing about being twins is, when I fall, when I feel sad, Elijah just picks me right back up and that's just helpful to me. Love my twin. Love my twin. Love you, sis. Love you. I love us. You smell. I love this guy. I can't imagine life without my brother. But we love each other. Yeah, but we love each other, right, okay. You're my only friend. That's so sad. It was cool, man. I love my brother I love you, man. No matter how bad he is, no matter what he does wrong, he's still my brother and he's still number one. Without a twin you're useless. We're good to go. Triplets? No. No, nah. Nasty, ugly. Uh-uh, finite. Uh-uh. No, done. No, we're done. Twins. Yes. Keep 'em. Let's go. I got to get this pin... More Movie Scripts | Request a Movie Transcript Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=jack-and-jill
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